Doc Stevens

Tondeleo: Doc, tell me some more about self defense. The idea of taking care of myself is important, because the world is getting worse, and I am small, like 8 stone (115 pounds, US).

Doc: You know I ain't recommendin' nobody gettin' into a fight. But, if someone is set on fightin' you, you got to remember you ain’t helpless. I wouldn't recommend you carry a knife into a bar. I recommend that you stay outta bars. Always someone in a bar who got somethin' to prove. More 'n that, if you gotta a record and get into a scuffle, you will go to jail for that.

My pockets usually got something I could use, like I said earlier. Sometimes I would have one of my dog's collars with me. Just rolled up and stuck in a coat pocket. You can roll that around our wrist if you like to protect your hands.

You could carry a biker’s wallet or a trucker’s wallet with a dog’s choker chain on it. You can use it as a choker. You can unloose it off the wallet, wrap it around your wrist and swing it in his face and THEN choke him enough he passes out.

Then you got to hightail it out of there before he comes to, or before the cops come. Don’t stand around like you’re a hero or a hard guy. I can tell you in one word what you gotta do as soon as he is knocked out, or on the ground: GET OUT!

But that ain’t you. That chain wallet ain’t you. It don’t suit your style, Tondy. You look more like a office boy.

So you’re eating out in a sit down restaurant, or a bar. What do you have there? Salt shakers, pepper sauce, maybe a glass candle you can jam in his face, silverware. All that’s just at your table.

You got wooden stools or wooden chairs. Use them like a lion tamer to protect yourself and your girlfriend. Grab it, by the seat and the back, and jab him with the legs, then throw it at him and get the heck out of there.

What else you got in a restaurant or bar? You got the bar, or the counter, and the back wall of the booth. Grab him and jam his face down on it, while kneeing him in the butt, and stomping on the back of his leg, at the back of his knee. Bring him to the ground and then disable him.

How about a bench, if you’re out front. Drag him over there and jam his head onto it. Bust his face into a tree trunk if you’re outside.

Grab a free real estate magazine or Auto Trader on your way in. They have them right at the entryway at a lot of places. Free weapons. Roll it tight as you can. Really tight. Now, it is a good jabber!

Grab it so maybe two inches sticks out the side of your hand where your pinky is. Stick it in his eye. Jam it up the bottom of his nose, or up under his chin. Hit his [solar plexus], jam it into the bottom of his groin, up under his privates. Jam it into his ears. Jam it into the side of his neck, about 3 inches under his ears. ALWAYS hit as hard as you can. You have to remove the threat. He ain’t patty cakin’ you, he wants to hurt you or kill you. You need to stay alive, long enough to get you and your girl out of there. That’s all for right now.

Tondeleo: “Doc, I’m a small guy, and quite often my work takes me into places where it’s dangerous and I need to take care of myself. Even when I’m not working, sometimes when I’m in a bar or a club, I get nervous if a fight starts or if someone is going to pick on me.

I know from some of your stories that you don’t seem to be afraid of anybody and I remember the stories about you getting arrested for fighting in North Carolina, or Memphis and some other places... Tennessee or somewhere...”

Doc: “Yeah, a coupla places for fightin'. That one time in in Tennessee, it weren’t my fault. I weren;t fightin. I was protectin a guy what was bein' picked on. The other fella was mouthing off an’ then he slapped that little fella an’ I told him to back off an’ he came after me. So I hurt him an’ then the cops came an’ locked me up cause I wasn’t local. That’s all.

But a man needs to learn how to stay away from fights. That comes with some age and maybe with getting a record or bein' on parole or probation. Different things for different folks.

Tondeleo: You’ve mentioned how you can use almost anything for a weapon and that you don’t ever carry weapons, you make them on the spot...

Doc: Yeah, right, but it’s more to it than that. First off, if you been locked up before, an’ the cops come, you’re gonna get locked up if you’re carryin’ a weapon. Ain’t no arguing that. You’re goin’ to jail even if you ain’t did nothing.

They’ll detain you if they think you look suspicious an’ then they search you an’ find an ice pick or piece of chain or a knife on you. You’re finished. Guilty as charged, take me away. You gotta be careful ‘cause they will say you was out lookin’ for trouble, when all you wanted was a night out.

First off, Tondy, you want to stay OUT of fights. You don’t know who that other dude is. He might be carryin' a razor, or a gun. He might tazer you. He maybe just got out of jail and want to kill someone. Do what you can to get out of the situation. I’d better be embarrassed and be alive than be a big man and be crippled up or dead. Get up and leave.

Tondeleo: “But what if he blocks your way, or molests your date, or shoves you first?”

Doc: Well, you have to come up with your own weapons that ain’t really weapons. My wallet with a chain on it is a good example of a weapon what ain't no weapon. I might carry a thick sock in my coat pocket an’ a pool ball or somethin’ like that in my other pocket. If a fight is breakin’ out, I can put that pool ball in the toe of that sock an’ hit someone upside the head with it. Bam. He’s down, an’ I just had that sock cause I lost the other one at the laundromat!

You can use a drawstring marble bag, with a bunch of change in it for the same thing. Or put it in the toe of that sock for gettin’ leverage. You can protect yourself with a dollar’s worth of change in a marble bag, and a sock.

A roll of quarters is a good weapon in your pocket. Wrap your hand around it when you punch. I would say to punch with the BACK of your left hand, up against the left side of the head of the guy what’s causing problems, and follow up with a right up under his jaw while you move forward and knee him in the groin.

One of them bicycle locks with a cable or chain on it is a cheap weapon you can’t get in trouble for having. But you sling it into someone’s head, they’ll know it. You can get one of them for less than five bucks and it’s legal anywhere.

If I’m in a place an’ I feel something’s going down, I get me a cup of hot coffee. I can throw it in someone’s face an’ then jam the rim of the cup into his face. You don’t slap someone with a glass or mug. It’ll break an’ cut your hand. No, you grab the bottom of it and jam it into his face. Leaves a red ring on his face and breaks his nose, so you can get out of there. Always, try to not get in a fight and just do enough to get out of there and get lost. You can use a beer mug or heavy glass the same way.

Don’t never think you can break a beer bottle and hit him with it. It will break off in your hand and cut you. That only works on TV. Not in a real fight.

Tondy, you can use the salt and pepper shakers. Screw off the lid and throw the salt or pepper in his eyes, and then use the shaker in your hand so you can punch him and not hurt your knuckles. You can use it wrapped in your fist to hit him on top of the head, too.

Hot sauce works the same way. Swing the bottle with the lid off, into his eyes and then close your fist around it, and you can jab, hit his nose with the bottom of it, jam the little tip of it into his belly right here [solar plexus] or into his privates.

If you’re holding a can of beer or soda, you can take one last drink of it, while he’s running his mouth, an’ as you bring it down from your mouth, crush it, and then swing hard into his face. It will cut him a happy face. But you got to follow through.

Tondeleo: “Ouch! That would hurt!”

Doc: Well, of COURSE it’ll hurt, Tondy! It ain’t patty cake. A man’s tryin’ to hurt you. He is a snake and there ain't no shortage of snakes. If he will fight you, he will kill you. You have to make him so he cain’t hurt anyone.

You can tear up a man with a belt, if you wrap the end with the holes in it around your wrist and then cross it across you hand, and back around your wrist. You can put that on camera, Tondy. Makes the belt short so it can’t hit you in your own head, an’ with it wrapped, you won’t drop it an’ aint no one gonna take it away from you and beat you with it. You can knock a man down with the belt buckle, if you hit him upside the head. I wear a thick belt I got at Dollar General and it has a good sized buckle. That’s why I got it.

Always try to knock him down. Get him on the floor. Then you can stomp his, what’s that called... his groin, yeah, that’s it, an’ he won’t get up. You can grab his wrist and yank it up an’ stomp your foot into his armpit. It’ll jerk it out of the socket an’ he’ll walk around with his arm all limp and he won’t be hittin’ anyone for a while.

Don’t forget you can kick him in the privates as hard as you can. And you still gotta keep whaling on him. You don’t just hit a man and then stop to see what you done. It aint kinny garten stuff. No.

You hit and keep hitting. You kick, you stomp. Bite a man if you have to. Here’s how you bite a man. You don’t take a bunch of meat and muscle into your teeth. You just take skin. He might have his arm around your neck like he’s chokin’ you. You lower your head just enough to sink your teeth into the skin on his fore arm, and you bite and pull it off. It’ll look like a wet potato chip. That’s what hurts, not biting into the muscle. Your jaws ain’t strong enough. But you can pull off a patch of skin. Or off his neck. That works, too.

What they gonna do: outlaw teeth?

Doc: “That neighbor’s boy – ain’t a boy, he’s a man – he’s 25. But he ain’t no man cause he won’t work or support himself. No, he sleeps in the bed his mama put there for him when he was 5 years old, and he don’t know nothin’ about bein’ a man.

He ain’t stupid, as far as him not havin’ a mind. He just fills his mind with trash that don’t do him no good at all. He gets on that interweb an’ types to people he don’t even know, but he ain’t got a job. He does that for hours.

He plays them ‘puter games all night, an’ then sleeps til 2 in the afternoon. Tells me he got on a new level last night. I said a new level of stupidity? He said he killed seven ninja warriors last night an’ now he is a champion. He is a champion of his head being a garbage can with a hairy lid, that’s what he’s the champion of.

Ain’t nobody payin’ him to play those games or be on his 'puter. Told me he is takin’ over the universe. I said why don’t you work on takin’ over a car an’ takin’ over a job so yer mama don’t have to feed you an’ wipe your rear end. An’ he went inside the house an’ pouted about it.

That boy or man or whatever you call him, a male type creature but he ain’t no man, won’t go to bed so he can catch a ride with someone who goes to work every day. Two or three people goes to La Plata every day an’ go right past his house, but he’s in bed. I ain’t got no use for him. I wish his mama would put him out an’ when his stomach gets close enough to his spine, he’ll get a job. Guarantee it.

What’s he gonna do when his mama dies? Prob’ly move in with some girl he’s knocked up by then an’ mooch offa her like a big overgrown baby. An' any girl who would sleep with him is as stupid as he is – cause now you got TWO stupid grown ups an’ they will be two times as stupid as parents. If I was their kid I would commit suicide.

That’s why so many kids commit suicide, Tondy – they’s parents are not grown up themselves an’ are still actin’ like teenagers an’ wantin’ their kids to act like grownups. Not all of em, but a lot of em. I see it everyday, bunch of drunken weed heads an' crack heads an’ meth heads. An' I ain’t talkin Methodists.

Doc: “I talked to my neighbor down the road’s no good son today. Twenty five years old an’ he cain’t even wipe his own rear end. He’s out there sittin’ on the porch waitin’ for someone to come by an’ give him a ride up to the mall in Waldorf [a town 30 miles away from Nanjemoy, MD]. I stay outta Waldorf.

I’m askin’ him why he ain’t left the nest yet. He says things cost too much. I say they ain’t cost too much, you just ain’t makin’ enough. Get out there an’ make some money, Sport, an get outta your mama’s house.

He says ain’t nobody hirin.’ He ain’t had a job more than two weeks since he got outta school, an he DOES have a diploma, just got no ambition. I ain’t got no diploma, but I got a fire in my belly to stand on my own two feet and be a man.

I tell him they’s hirin’ up at the Walmart in La Plata. But he don’t want to work at Walmart. He says he would have to leave too early an’ besides he ain’t got no car. That’s cause he won’t work a real job. An’ because he smokes reefer an’ ain’t got no drive. But they ain’t givin’ him that weed for free. He don’t say IT cost too much!

So I tell him he already SMOKED his car! Ten, twenty dollars a day worth an’ now he is sittin’ on his mama’s porch makin’ excuses. If he HAD a car he couldn’t keep it cause insurance would be too much, tags would be too much, gas would be too much an’ wherever he got a job, they would be too mean an’ he would quit. He got excuse- itis.

I ain’t no Eisenstein, Tondy, but I ain’t no ‘scusemaker. Seems to me it’s just common sense when you ain’t got nothing, an’ are broke, that you get out there an’ take any job what’s legal an’ learn a little bit, get a car, get a place to stay an stand on your own two feet like a grown up. He’s a 25 year old crybaby. A man don’t make excuses, he makes a life and helps other folk.

My daddy use to say a woman looks for a strong shoulder to cry on. A man wants to have that strong shoulder for her to cry on. He also use to say if you wait for all the lights to turn green before you head into town you ain’t never gonna get outta the house. You do what you can and you BE something so you can stand tall an’ look any man in the eye.”

Tondeleo: “You’ve worked a lot of jobs in your life. Some people would look at that and say you’re not in a position to tell anybody anything.

Doc: So what? I ain’t TRYIN’ to tell anybody anything. YOU’RE the one askin’ me all these questions an’ I’m just talkin’.

I ain’t got no advice. Here’s what I done. When daddy died an’ I had to drop outta school, I took a job at the sawmill cause they was hirin’ an’ I needed money for mamma an’ my brothers an’ sister. I didn’t like sawmill work an’ didn’t like Mr. Burch my boss. So what? I wasn’t there to like a job or like a boss. I was there to help my family, so I did it til I could find something else. Ain’t got nothin’ to do with did I like it or not.

Then I got a job at a body shop. I liked it better. It was an inside job, so I was warmer in the winter an’ outta the sun in the summer. I like cars. It paid better too. My boss, Leon was hard on me, but he paid me every Friday, so it was ok. I learnt a lot from him, an’ got pretty good at basic bodywork an’ paintin.’

With bodywork, I could get a job anywhere in the country. People ‘s always dentin’ their cars or needin’ a paint job. If they cain’t afford a new car, sometimes they will paint their old one. It’s a good trade an’ you can travel a lot. I have worked shops all over the south an’ made pretty fair money. That’s worth somethin’ when you like it an’ also get paid an’ can live anywhere you want.

Learned sign painting, making signs. Back then it was all hand lettered. I was at a body shop an’ when trucks came in that was lettered an’ had to be redone, I would put masking tape over the old letters an’trace them. Then I’d put it on the new door or whatever an’ cut it out with a razor knife, a exacto. An’ I would spray paint through where I had cut and presto! It looked pretty good if you stood back.

A old sign painter thought I had a knack for it an’ got me a night job at his shop. I stayed there longer than anywhere else. Two years an’ learned how to use a brush an’ real sign paint and make a real layout and do lettering. That’s been good to me, too. I can go anywhere an’ there are signs, windows, race cars… umm, trucks, boats, you name it what needs letterin’ An here I am. I done that a lot in my life.

So I have gotten to travel, I have always had a roof over my head if I wanted one, I have sent money back to mama and my family every week, most the time, an’ I met a lot of people.

Now and then I meet some office boy who looks down at me because I can dress the way I want, work when I want an’ I like my life – an all he got to show for his life is a ulcer an’ some money an’ he hates it all. That’s all I need to say about it, Tondy.

Tondeleo: What about retirement? You don’t have one, do you, Doc?

Doc: “No I aint got no retirement money set away. But I can work, I can help folks, I got Marilyn, my brother’s daughter an’ she will help me like I help her, if I ever need it. When she gets married her an’ her husband will help me when I get that far. That’s a retirement. I got nieces an’ nephews an some grown men what I helped when they was young an’ was goin’ astray. That’s a retirement, too. It ain’t all money. An’ I will end up in the same nursin’ home as that office boy when he gets too old to shuffle papers an’ they put him out to pasture. OK. We’re done here talkin' about them days what ain't even here yet.