Doc Stevens

Tondeleo: In my last post, Doc and Big Dave were guzzling "skin fast drinks" (Slimfast) in an effort to get skinny fast. I spoke with Doc on my mobile last night, and he got me up to date on his and Marilyn's activities. I haven't been able to visit them in the States this Summer like I would like to, and have been staying in touch with my mobile, and recording our calls, and Marilyn emails pictures to me from time to time.

Doc: Well, Tondy, me an' Big Dave gave up on that skinfast. We drank about two cases a day of that stuff and it didn't make neither one of us skinny. I done lost maybe 5 pounds, but also I was workin' a lot and it's been hot so I might've just sweated off five pounds (that's less than half stone). Big Dave got tired of drinkin' it and he gave up, too. I think that Skinfast is more made for women.

Well, you know me an' Marilyn went over to Alabama for a week an' had a good time an' met some good people. Their cookin' is pretty good down there an' everywhere you go is Waffle Houses so we ate good. I like a good sit-down restaurant when we is travelin'.

Waffle House has good food pretty reasonable and they got enough different kinds of food that you ain't got to eat no where else. You can eat there mornin' noon and night and it is always pretty good. Matter o' fact, Tondy, you can go to a Waffle House after playin' somewhere an' they will still be open. Ain't nobody rushin' you outta there, neither. Marilyn likes 'em real good, too. They got a lot of her favorites there, an' if she brings some of her friends along, it's cheap enough where they can pay for they's own food an' I ain't got to ante up for it.

You name it, they got it all. Eggs, ham, steak, grits, bacon, hamburgers, fries, waffles, of course, an' pancakes an' ice cream. They got anything a man could want. I really ain't know why they got so many other restaurants out there, 'ceptin some people from up north ain't ascovered Waffle Houses yet. But down south, that is pretty much all you see the locals eatin' at.

We played in some places in Alabama and also outside and the people liked us real good. They was pretty good to us in the money department, but mostly they ain't much money in Alabama.

We went to Florida like I said, an' we got a real good response there. They ain't never heard no one what plays an' sings like me an' Marilyn, so they treated us real good an' got us in some indoor places an' clubs an' venues. We stayed down there a while but then got homesick, plus I had some jobs to do back home, fixin' cars so we had to come back up here to Maryland. One thing I don't like is that they ain't no Waffle Houses here what I know of. But I was glad to see my dogs again an' Marilyn was glad to see her boyfriend again. That long legged crawdaddy missed her!

That boy what she is seein' is six foot two an' is crazy 'bout her. He is all right. If he weren't he wouldn't be seein' her. She is picky about men an' has higher standards than God almost - well, maybe she DOES have higher standards than God, 'cause HE will forgive some things that Marilyn won't, I'll tell you what! She ain't too forgivin' when it comes to how a man can act when he is her beau.

Well, that's it, Tondy. We got some inside places to play at an' a couple parties an' two vestibules (festivals) in the next few weeks, so it should be good.

Tondeleo: In the UK, we don't have the equivalent of the big American backwoods hillbilly. We don't have any backwoods, to be quite honest, and there are no places where groups of people can live unscathed from most of modern society.

That is one thing that fascinates me about rural Americans. Some of them can live geographically near a large city and cultural center, yet be completely uninformed and unaware. Worse than that, they are uninformed that they are unaware.

One can tell this when looking at the clothing,the hair styles and interactions amongst them. There are still many rural Americans who wear their hair (and have their children wearing their hair) in the spiked "mullet" hairstyle of the mid 80's. And they think it is perfectly in style. Of course, in all fairness, in their circles, the mullet hairstyle IS in style, and probably will remain in style for the next 50 years or more.

The same evening that we (myself, Doc, Marilyn and Big Dave) were trying to muddle through an understanding of "you are what you eat," (see previous post), the conversation drifted as it does quite commonly, to dating, relationships and understanding the sexes.

I am always intrigued by both the insights, which many times are shrewdly wise, and help me to understand why these backwoods people are able to proliferate at the rates that they do, and also some of the information that to me is just weird.

After the evening meal, Big Dave was giving Marilyn counsel on how to find a decent man. He allowed how Marilyn's big problem isn't finding a man, it is finding one that she can respect and look up to: One that is clean and sober, gainfully employed, who is not already married, not an inmate, pervert, lazy or out of control.

Marilyn wants a clean living church man... and she doesn't want one that is ignorant. She has quite a list of traits that she will not accept in a man. She says, "I have kept myself on the straight and narrow and I want a man who's done the same thing."

Big Dave said that the only one who would be fit for Marilyn already came through, but they crucified him, so she'd better learn to settle. Marilyn said she "ain't settlin'" and would rather be alone with the Lord than to be with a man who "weren't any good."

Then, Marilyn said she thought Big Dave was too backwoods to get a decent woman. She didn't see how on earth a woman could kiss a man with a big thick beard like his. Without blinking an eye, Big Dave said "a woman don't mind going through a little brush to get to a picnic." Marilyn said, “Yuck,” and then Big Dave said that the first course on a picnic with him is a obstacle course. But, of course he is worth it. And their "aint no ants at my picnics, 'cause I spray down."

Marilyn started shrieking, Doc busted out laughing, and the dogs started barking at all the excitement, and I was too busy laughing and being grossed out to follow the rest of the conversation. But, as Doc says, "there ya go."

Tondeleo: I just got an email from Doc who was very upset because of some of the adverts in the sidebars of his blog. It stems back to the posting that he had me put up about G*y M*arriage and G*y S*x. I had to put the asterisks in place of the vowels above, because adsense will find the words and put pertinent ads in the sidebar.

Doc and Marilyn had gone to visit a neighbor and went on the Internet to look at his blog. You can imagine his rage and embarrassment at the pictures of two g*y men embracing, and other adverts for g*y hook ups and other things that run contrary to Doc's standards.

He wanted me to call those people at "Goggle" and tell them to get those pervert ads off his "blob." I explained that Google has crawlers (not night crawlers for fishing) that read the words used in the text and will put up adverts based on the words he used.

I went on to preferences and blocked the links to the specific adverts that were on the sidebar so hopefully you will know that Doc does not condone that kind of behaviour or activity.

Here is the message from Doc loud and clear to the whole world, slightly edited so you can comprehend it:

"I do not approve of any of those ads telling men to kiss on or to date other men. A man should find a woman, and he should not go after another man in that way. There is too many women in the world and after a man has met every woman in his age group in the USA, if he has not found one here, then he should go to England and all them countries over there and check out all the women and if he caint find one there, he can go to Africa and meet all them women there, and if he caint find one there, he can go to India and China and any of them countries that is left and the Philippines where there is a lot of good looking women what make good wives cause I seen ads for that. If out of all those women where I have mentioned if he caint find one, he should give up. But do NOT think that means you should get with a man. You are just too picky and should start over again here in America because while you was out in them other countries, some of the women you missed here in America got divorced or their old man broke up with them and they is available now. - Doc."

Tondeleo: Doc, you probably haven't heard, but California has voted to make it so gays can't get married anymore there. What do you think about that? I KNOW you must have some thoughts on it. Come on and tell us.

Doc: Tondy, first off, these ain't pot plants. They's weeds. But, I know when you're jerkin' my chain and when you talk about homo's wantin' to get married you figure you already know what I'm gonna say and you're tryin' to get a rise outta me, but you ain't gonna do it.

But here's what I think. I got a sister down Kingsport and she's shackin' up with a guy she ain't married to an' she and he don't wanna get married. They been together 'bout three years and she's been married twice already. So that's one thing. They aint gays. And they don't wanna get married. That' something to think about ain't it?"

You got straight folks, that's the name for folks what ain't gay, an' they just want to live together and not get married. People used to cry the blues over that one. But now you got homo's, both men and women ones, what you say want to get married. That's a new one out here, at least to me!

Homer Rathwell's boy, I think he's a gay. I ain't never asked him, but you can sort of tell. He ain't sissy like YOU, Tondy, but that's because you're a Brit and a office boy. He's American and he hangs with girls, always has but don't never date none of them. Every now and then he'll bring some sissy looking boy over for a sleepover and you can hear 'em giggling back there if you're visitin' Homer.

Now what if he wanted to marry one of them boys what he might be having gay sex with? Well, Tondy (laughing) that'd be the end of the sex - if they got married!

But I ain't care WHO he has sex with as long as it aint me an' as long as I don't have to hear about it. That's between him and the Lord. From what I hear, though, the Lord don't go for it at all.Ain't never did. But them folks ain't exactly carin' what the Lord wants and don't want. They care about what THEY want, so totin' out the Bible ain't gonna make none of them change their ways what don't want to.

Tondeleo: Doc, a lot of people think that gay marriage and homosexuality in general is a threat to straight marriage. I bet you have some thoughts about that, too!

Doc: Tondy, you're a piece of work. Gay marriage ain't never threatened none of my friends' marriages! And I ain't never been tempted to kiss a man! There's too many women out there for a man to go after another man. 'Cept in prison but I aint talkin' about that. Aint no one want to go to prison no way, and it is all about the punishment, aint it. I try to stay away from them places.

Naw, I think the biggest threat to marriage ain't gays, it's cheatin'. Cheatin' an drinkin' too much and drugs. They's a big threat to marriage, if one or both is smokin too much reefer or smokin' rock. Spendin' too much money'll threaten a marriage, too. Lot's of folk break up over one of 'em spendin' too much money. But, Tondy, cheatin' an adultery's the biggest threat to marriage, in my book. There, an' you aint got a rise outta me.