Doc Stevens

Tondeleo: I was going through some of my recordings of conversations with Doc Stevens, and ran across this one that I thought you would enjoy. 

It’s common for rural rednecks to misuse words because first of all, many of them are illiterate or at best, are poor readers who cannot spell well at all. Second, these are the same ones who don’t seem to listen all that well, so when you are talking, they may mishear you and substitute a word that you used for a word that they know.

Below is a classic situation like that where Doc talks about a friend of his who was going to get divorced.

Doc: My buddy Ralph an’ his ole lady been fightin’ and she was ‘cusing him of cheatin.’ Now he ain’t ever cheated on her ‘cause he’s too ugly but she don’t think so, an’ also she thinks that just ‘cause he plays guitar that all the women want him. But Ralph ain’t like that. He ain’t had that many girlfriends afore he met Shirl, an’ he ain’t had any since then, mostly cause he’s ‘fraid of her goin’ all buck wild on him if he ever did get one.

Then, if Ralph happens to go to church with her, she’s tryin’ to get him to go to the altar at the end of the service to repent of cheatin’ on her, when he ain’t even done it! An’ he ain’t gonna lie to the good Lord, just to get Shirl to shut up.

Shirl’s done told all the women in the church that Ralph got a rovin’ eye, and that made things worse, really. One of them prophesied that he was gonna leave Shirl an’ the kids, so now Shirl thinks it’s a done deal, unless the Lord works a miracle. 

Another problem what makes her like that is she picked up a lot of weight over the years so now she’s real o’beast. Ralph ain’t like o’beast women, he likes ‘em small, so Shirl’s real touchy ‘bout that.

Anyway, she been naggin’ Ralph so much he decided he wanted to get divorced. Shirl ain’t want no divorce so she was tellin’ him how the lawyers was gonna take everything he had, his tractor, his truck, his guns, his guitar, all of it. So Ralph got pretty scared. He don’t even have enough money for a lawyer.

She said it would take a year for them to get divorced anyway. So Ralph was scared, an’ didn’t want to wait  year. He asked her if they was any other way, and she said, yeah, they could go see a marriage canceller.

She told him a canceller was cheaper and would only be about six months and wouldn’t take his truck and guns and guitar. But Ralph would have to pay outta pocket. He took a couple of his guns over to the pawn shop at White Plains, an’ got enough cash to see the canceller a couple times.

Anyway, Tondy, they went to see the canceller. Ralph told him how he ain’t really want to lose everything, an’ all he wanted was out.

The canceller acted like he wasn’t that interested in cancelling their marriage! Ralph said he told Ralph to quit makin’ hog noises whenever Shirl was goin’ for the last piece of pie, and to quit callin’ her Hoss an’ Tubby O’Lard, an’ names like that.

He told' Ralph that him and Shirl needed to come back once a week for six months. So Ralph asked if at the end of it the marriage would be cancelled, an’ the canceller said that he hoped at the end of six months, they’d be happily married!

Tondy, if that marriage cancellin’ aint a racket, I don’t know what is, do you? I told Ralph he might as well just quit seein’ the canceller an’ ignore all them mean things Shirl been sayin’ to him. Don’t ever waste your money on marriage cancellin’ cause it don’t work.

Tondeleo: In college, I learned that to succeed in business, you need a USP, a unique selling position. Would you say that pertains to having success with women?

Doc: “A what? UPS? That's for packages! But women like packages. 'Specially if they's jewelry in 'em. I ain't been to no college, but they is right about you got to package what you got.”

Tondeleo: Uh … OK, it does mean something that makes you different from other people, something that makes you unique, special. Is that true for meeting women to date?

Doc: “Well YEH – no wonder you ain’t no good with women! You gotta stand out, but not like a freak or a sissy. Like, you got to have money or a nice pickup with good speakers, or a nice house or somethin’ that sets you apart from the other guys who can’t catch a woman. Everybody knows that. How’s come you don’t know that?

“For me, I learnt to play guitar an’ sing when I was just twelve. I never been tall or good lookin’, but I can sing a song and play a guitar. My first guitar, I still got it. It says Colgate on the neck so I called it my toothpaste guitar.”

[Note: It says actually “Collegiate.” Collegiates were cheap guitars back in the 50’s. They cost about $15 brand new – Tondeleo]

“My Colgate guitar has been all over the place with me. It has been busted a lot of times. I have a bolt up there on the neck where the strings go up to where you tune ‘em, an’ a piece of molding down on the body where the strings go over the hole. It’s split and cracked an’ I learnt with it only havin’ 3 strings. I still play it like that. A guitar is s’posed to have 6 strings. But my Colgate only has 3.

“Playin’ guitar an’ singing makes a man stand out. Playin’ a guitar with only 3 strings makes a man stand out even more, cause most people can’t play a 3 string guitar. But I can. I can sing country, blues, rock n roll an’ even Jimmy Hendrickson. All on a 3 string guitar. You cain’t do that.”

Tondeleo: Three strings – no, I can’t do that. You also play a normal guitar too, right, Doc?

Doc: “Well YEH. What if I went somewhere an’ all there was were 6 string guitars? I need to be able to play ‘em all. I can play a bass guitar too. They have 4 strings.

If I got to play a ‘lectric guitar, I can do that too. I got a handful of ‘lectric guitars, one is called a Telecaster that I play. It’s from about 1971, somewhere back there. Someone said they’s worth about a thousand dollars nowadays. But mine ain’t for sale.

Tondeleo: WOW! I should think it's worth a lot more than a thousand dollars... I've seen those old Fender guitars on Ebay, Doc and they go for big money...

Doc: Why would I care what it’s worth if I ain’t tryin’ to sell it? I don’t care if it’s worth a million dollars, I ain’t sellin’ it an’ I would hurt a man if he tried to steal it ‘cause sometimes I make a livin’ off that guitar, an’ it provides food an’ shelter for me an’ for Marilyn. She’s my brother’s girl, my brother what died.

I also got me a SEVEN string guitar what I play. It’s electric, like the Telecaster, but it’s a Ibanez. I got it from a devil worshiper with long black hair who played a club when I was in Memphis. ‘Bout 1998. So I been havin’ it for a while. This boy, I think he was a devil worshiper, cause he had long hair and played that yee-yee-yee music where all they do is scream.

He got himself in some trouble at a bar he was playin’ at an’ they was beatin’ him up on the sidewalk. He flicked somebody off or somethin’. Nobody ought to be beat like that, so I went over an’ pulled them boys off him. I sent two of ‘em to the hospital. Weren’t no big thing, I caught ‘em off guard an’ hurt ‘em pretty bad. But they had it comin. I took that guy to the room I was stayin’ at an’ let him get better for a couple of days. He left and gave me his 7 string guitar as a thank you. I aint never played a seven string afore. But he wanted me to have it.

I didn’t play it for a year, but then one day I was drivin’ down the road an’ a voice told me to put two bass guitar strings on it. So I stopped at Wal-Mart an’ bought bass strings an’ put ‘em on it. I still play it like that. Use my thumb on the bass an’ my other fingers on the other strings. That makes a man stand out, too. He had it all painted blue with purple stripes and that makes a man stand out.

“When I get work in another place I ain’t from, I might sit outside an’ play guitar an’ sing until someone comes by an’ starts talkin’. Sometimes, my brother’s girl, he’s dead, Marilyn comes with me. She’s a waitress an’ sings an’ plays harp [harmonica]. We sing and play whatever spirit takes us at the moment. Country, blues, gospel, rock, I don’t care.

When people see her with me, they know I am not dangerous an’ then they will talk with me. An’ I protect Marilyn from boys what gets the wrong idea about her. She’s a nice girl, a church going girl an’ I aim to keep her that way. She ain’t no fish for a man to catch with a plastic lure. Nope.”

Tondeleo: Thanks Doc. I’ll need to work on my USP with the ladies. I’ll do something to stand out…

Doc: Well, boy, remember it’s like the law of the jungle. You can either blend in so you don’t get eaten or you can stand out to scare off the predators. Standing out is better.

Tondeleo: A few days ago, you mentioned how you knew guys who'd met girls at church and ended up dating them. I’m not much of a church guy and most of my readers aren’t. But I wouldn’t mind a church girl. How’s that work?

Doc: “Meetin' up girls at church! There's a difference between MEETING a girl at church and startin' to like her and goin' to church just to pick up women. Boy, you don’t want to get the Lord mad at you. But, a church is a good place for a lonely man. He can get the Lord in his life and maybe he won’t be so lonely and maybe he won’t be too selfish to get a good woman.

“But I gotta tell you something else, Tondy. Not all those church girls are sweet an innocent like you might think. Some of them came to church and gave themselves to the Lord because they have a past. They mighta been strippers, or crack heads. You can’t know. They might be gold diggers goin' to church to meet a good simple man who will be gullible. You might end up getting eaten alive. And I would say you deserve it.

“If after all that, you want to go to church to meet a good woman, you need to do some homework and some soul searchin’. Church is where you go to meet the Lord and then He might let you meet a Christian woman. A good woman in church ain’t lookin’ for a man to fornicate with. She ain’t lookin’ for a foulmouthed man who starts cussin’ and hollerin’ when he ain’t getting his way. She’s lookin’ for a good man, and a man who is seekin’ spiritual things. But you can do that - you can seek spiritual things.

“You gotta dress nice for a church girl. You ought to get you a Bible and start reading the New Testament, specially the red words. That’s the ones Jesus spoke. Then, you gotta go to church and try to follow along in your Bible during the preachin’ and listen to what the preacher says. After church, they might have a fellowship time, where people hangs out and gets to know each other. Be a little shy, and stand there looking pleasant. A woman might approach you. If not, just come back the next time. Keep it up and one will, no doubt in my mind.

“Don’t worry if you don’t know much about religion. Tell her you’re new at all this and are lookin’ to make changes. Church gals like a man who can admit he has made mistakes and is willing to change. You might want to ask her if there are any books that would help you. She will tell you! Church gals like to read, and they like to HELP men who are willin’ to read. If you get this far, you can let mother nature and the Lord take their course. That’s all I am gonna say about you meetin' girls at church. I don’t want the Lord to get mad at me.”

"Good women like good talk. Dirty women like dirty talk. That’s all there is to that one. Me, I ain't never liked no woman what talked like a sailor."

Tondeleo: Doc, some guys say that women want you to talk dirty to them; to use a lot of sexy talk. What do you say?

Doc: “Good women like good talk. Dirty women like dirty talk. That’s all there is to that one. I ain't never liked no woman what talked like a sailor. Don’t never talk dirty around a good woman. It’ll turn her off. Decent women like decent men. I’m a decent man.”

Dressing Nice

Tondeleo: How important is it to dress nice? Would you agree that clothes make the man?

Doc: “Clothes don’t make no man. I seen a lot of so called men dressed up and they wasn’t nothin’ but dressed up sissies. They’s got a magazine for them up town. It’s called GQ an’ I ain't seen nothing in GQ but dressed up sissies. No real woman would want a man that’s a sissy.

But a man needs to learn how to dress good. A good man feels good when he looks good. You ain’t gotta be in a three piece suit or nothin’. Just gotta be sure you’re clean and don’t smell like BO or onions or cars. If I been out in my shop workin' on cars, I stink even if I don’t know it. So I always take a bath and clean up afterwards and put on clean overalls and a shirt. Oh yeh, an you need to shave a couple of times a day, if you want to be with a woman. I learnt the most important time to shave is at night, right before going out to eat or whatever. Shavin' just in the mornin' don't get it. Ain't too many women go for that look where a man is all covered in stubble. And ain't no woman gonna want to rub your face if it feels like sandpaper."

Tondeleo: I confess. I am a bit shy around girls and women. I have never been very outgoing, and have been rather studious. Also, I am small, around 8 stone currently (112 - 115 pounds in US weight) and I feel under confident. So, I decided to get whatever counsel I could from Doc. I suppose I went to him for information because he is confident, and has a lot of friends, and he is quite free with his advice, if he thinks the person asking is sincere, which I am! I need all the help I can get.

Doc can tell you all you need to know about making friends, both male and female. He plays down some of the stories I've heard about him, and says it's just a bunch of hogwash. But there are still those people whose eyes light up when you mention his name, and can tell you a few tales about his younger days.

So on one of my visits to his bungalow, I was asking him how to meet women, and how to get one to go out on a date with me. I asked him how he did it, back in his day. One reason this is important to me is that when I am in the States, I feel like I just cannot compete with American blokes. They are bigger, stronger, more outgoing and they have more money and fast cars. I have little confidence and am quiet and studious. And I am always short of money.

So I asked Doc how he would get dates and make female freinds, especially with him being a poor man, and not very educated, in a culture that values money, power and education.

Doc: “Getting a woman to talk to you, getting a girl to want to go out with you. Is that what you mean?

“Taint nothing to it, Tondy. Catchin' a woman ain’t no harder than catching a fish. How do you catch a fish? Well, first you have to know a little bit about fish in general. Like where are you gonna find one. You ain't gonna find a fish on the side of the road and they sure as heck ain't gonna jump in your pan or on your plate.

“Some men are stupid. They think just because they’s hungry and likes fish that fish oughtta be jumpin' on their plate saying ‘do what you want with me.’ Well that ain't gonna happen. Same with a woman."

“Some men are stupid. They think just because they’s hungry and likes fish that fish oughtta be jumpin' on their plate saying ‘do what you want with me.’ Well that ain't gonna happen. Same with a woman. Just cause you want a woman friend and are feelin' all lean an hungry aint gonna get you a woman, Tondy. Any fisherman knows that.

“Where you find fish? In the water. You ain’t find ‘em on the side of the road. A man ain’t gonna find a woman if all he do is go to work an come home and watch TV. Nope. Ain’t gonna find a woman if all he do is hang out with his other friends which is men. No, a man gotta go where the fish is, or in your case, Tondy where the women is to be found.

"You aint gonna find one sittin' in your room lookin' at that innerweb, either. You might think you met one, but she might just be a HE, an' HE might just be a robber or stick up man. You ain't know what you're dealin' with on that web. They got that inner web over to the liberry at Bryans Road an' my friend Harold thought he met his future wife an' she turned out to be a 47 year old dude who was just on that web for kicks! You ain't wanna fish in that pond, no doubt!

“When I was young we din’t have much places to meet girls. Had farms, had a factory, had a liberry, had a general store, had dances sometimes, an' had church. That’s it. But you can find where the women are and then go there. But that ain’t all.

“You gotta take your tackle. You need 'quipment an you need bait. You don’t just take your line an hook an a fork an' tartar sauce an think you’re gonna have a fish dinner. You gotta know what kind of fish you’re after an' what it bites on. An you have to be slow an patient and keep real cool.

“Like when I wanted a social type gal, I would go to the dance an find me one that looked unattached an' wasn’t too busy wi’ her girlfriends. Then I’d find me a reason to make the approach. You can’t jes go up an say ‘Hi, I’m Tondy Thomas an' I'm a Brit, an I wanna go out wi’ you.’ No.

But bein' a Brit might help you. It makes you stand out. And it gives you a 'scuse for bein' little an' pale an' skinny. A lotta girls like the girly way you Brits talk. That could work. I ain't never been too good lookin' or rich, but I play music an' I usually got a hot rod or somethin' that makes me stand out. An' back when I was goin' out I weren't a drunk or a pervert. I ain't never talked dirty around women.

Here's somethin' that my ex brother in law taught me twenty years ago. You might take an empty cup that they was selling soda’s in, an as you walk by might catch the eye of the one you have your eye on an say, ‘I’m goin’ up to get me another soda. Any y’all want me to bring you back one?’ Then you have a second to catch her eye an’ look friendly but serious at the same time.

They might say ‘no,’ an they might not. Even if they say no, you can stick aroun’ for a minute and chum the water. [Note: “Chumming the water” means to throw out a little bait to get the fish to let down their guard, so later you can put some bait on a hook and the fish will be ready to bite it – Tondeleo)

“Now, when you're standin’ there with your empty soda cup, you have a reason to stay there an' a reason to leave. They can’t hurt you, an' it gives them a chance to see you ain't no pervert or weirdo. So you might say something that they ain’t used to hearing.

“See, a pretty girl always is hearing compliments from dude who wants to get a hold of her. Ain’t no shortage of men with bad lines. They’s all hook and no bait. Nope, don’t ever tell a girl she looks pretty or that she has pretty hair or nothin’ like that. It don’t take no brains to come up with that, and also, where you gonna go from there?

“You wanna say somethin’ she ain’t expectin’. Here’s somethin' you might try. Talk to the UGLIEST girl in the bunch first. That way they can see you're harmless an’ just a nice guy on his way to get another soda. I would say something funny, most of the time. That's 'cause I'm pretty funny, an' if you ain't got looks an' ain't made outta money you gotta find SOMETHING you got goin' for you. For me, I am a little funny, but I ain't no joker or clown. An' I always show respect.

"You might wanna get a girl laughin’. Not laughin’ like you’re a clown or a comedian, but laughin’ because you are nice and because she is relaxin’ aroun’ you. You might say somethin’ funny about the band what’s playin’ or make a remark about some other girl that is supposed to be so pretty, but you know the other girls don’t like her.

“Once you do that, an’ the prettier ones see you’re willin’ to talk to the ugly one, they figure out that you’re different and they can trust you. Then you can start workin' on talkin' to the one or two you is really interested in. Sometimes I have found that I like the ugler one better anyway. She got to try a little harder and ain't always so demandin' as the ones what think they is all that.

Tondeleo: “You said not to say things like she has pretty hair or how good looking she is. How do you start a conversation with a girl that you’re interested in? I’m shy, and a lot of guys are. I take it that you weren’t very shy…”

Doc: “Shy? No, I definitely ain’t shy! But weren't never smooth, neither. I ain't insecure. I am what I am an' I am comfortable with that. That's important.

If you know how to catch a fish and you can learn how to catch a woman's attention. When you’re talkin' to the uglier one, you also need to listen. Like with fish. You might be chummin' the waters, and minnows and blue gills may be coming up for the chum. An you might see a large mouth bass, over out of the way. He’s the one you really want. So, you CHUM the little ones, while paying ATTENTION to the one you want, and he starts to trust you, 'cause you’re different than the rest.”

Tondeleo: “So what kinds of things do you actually say?”

Doc: “Well, like I said, you might say somethin’ funny about the band, or the bouncer, or any other person who’s up front or seems important. Say it funny, though, not like you’re wishin' you was them but you’re not. Then, pending on how they react, you can start kind of teasing one of the girls in the group, but do it good natured. Like maybe you would tease your girl cousin. Just poke a little fun at her, and then back off. That’s part of chumming the waters.”

“From there, you might look down at your empty soda cup an say, ‘look at what y’all girls done. You made me forget to get my soda! While I’m getting mine, I’m gonna get some for y’all too.’ Then look at the one you really are wantin’ but haven’t been payin special attention to, an say, ‘An I need YOU to give me a hand so I don’t spill ‘em.’ An you just nod with your head the direction of the bar or soda fountain an start walkin.’ Nine times outta ten she’ll follow. An, as you’re leavin', Tondy, you holler for the other gals to try an’ get ya’ll a booth.

“So, you an' the pretty one get the sodas, an the two of you come back to the booth an you got you a whole booth full of girls. An’ the pretty one is now thinkin’ you’re a good provider an she doesn’t want the other girls to move in an’ snatch you up. That’s one way you might meet a girl or two.

"One more thing, Tondy. It ain't all about looks. You ain't really interested in a good looker who ain't about nothin.' Lotsa good lookin' girls is like chihuahua's on cocaine. They is picky, nervous and they yap yap yap all the time. It ain't worth puttin' up with all that yappin' an' complainin.' It's better to have 160 pounds of curves than 110 pounds of nerves. No doubt!"