Tondeleo: In my last post, Doc and Big Dave were guzzling "skin fast drinks" (Slimfast) in an effort to get skinny fast. I spoke with Doc on my mobile last night, and he got me up to date on his and Marilyn's activities. I haven't been able to visit them in the States this Summer like I would like to, and have been staying in touch with my mobile, and recording our calls, and Marilyn emails pictures to me from time to time.

Doc: Well, Tondy, me an' Big Dave gave up on that skinfast. We drank about two cases a day of that stuff and it didn't make neither one of us skinny. I done lost maybe 5 pounds, but also I was workin' a lot and it's been hot so I might've just sweated off five pounds (that's less than half stone). Big Dave got tired of drinkin' it and he gave up, too. I think that Skinfast is more made for women.

Well, you know me an' Marilyn went over to Alabama for a week an' had a good time an' met some good people. Their cookin' is pretty good down there an' everywhere you go is Waffle Houses so we ate good. I like a good sit-down restaurant when we is travelin'.

Waffle House has good food pretty reasonable and they got enough different kinds of food that you ain't got to eat no where else. You can eat there mornin' noon and night and it is always pretty good. Matter o' fact, Tondy, you can go to a Waffle House after playin' somewhere an' they will still be open. Ain't nobody rushin' you outta there, neither. Marilyn likes 'em real good, too. They got a lot of her favorites there, an' if she brings some of her friends along, it's cheap enough where they can pay for they's own food an' I ain't got to ante up for it.

You name it, they got it all. Eggs, ham, steak, grits, bacon, hamburgers, fries, waffles, of course, an' pancakes an' ice cream. They got anything a man could want. I really ain't know why they got so many other restaurants out there, 'ceptin some people from up north ain't ascovered Waffle Houses yet. But down south, that is pretty much all you see the locals eatin' at.

We played in some places in Alabama and also outside and the people liked us real good. They was pretty good to us in the money department, but mostly they ain't much money in Alabama.

We went to Florida like I said, an' we got a real good response there. They ain't never heard no one what plays an' sings like me an' Marilyn, so they treated us real good an' got us in some indoor places an' clubs an' venues. We stayed down there a while but then got homesick, plus I had some jobs to do back home, fixin' cars so we had to come back up here to Maryland. One thing I don't like is that they ain't no Waffle Houses here what I know of. But I was glad to see my dogs again an' Marilyn was glad to see her boyfriend again. That long legged crawdaddy missed her!

That boy what she is seein' is six foot two an' is crazy 'bout her. He is all right. If he weren't he wouldn't be seein' her. She is picky about men an' has higher standards than God almost - well, maybe she DOES have higher standards than God, 'cause HE will forgive some things that Marilyn won't, I'll tell you what! She ain't too forgivin' when it comes to how a man can act when he is her beau.

Well, that's it, Tondy. We got some inside places to play at an' a couple parties an' two vestibules (festivals) in the next few weeks, so it should be good.

Tondeleo: In the UK, we don't have the equivalent of the big American backwoods hillbilly. We don't have any backwoods, to be quite honest, and there are no places where groups of people can live unscathed from most of modern society.

That is one thing that fascinates me about rural Americans. Some of them can live geographically near a large city and cultural center, yet be completely uninformed and unaware. Worse than that, they are uninformed that they are unaware.

One can tell this when looking at the clothing,the hair styles and interactions amongst them. There are still many rural Americans who wear their hair (and have their children wearing their hair) in the spiked "mullet" hairstyle of the mid 80's. And they think it is perfectly in style. Of course, in all fairness, in their circles, the mullet hairstyle IS in style, and probably will remain in style for the next 50 years or more.

The same evening that we (myself, Doc, Marilyn and Big Dave) were trying to muddle through an understanding of "you are what you eat," (see previous post), the conversation drifted as it does quite commonly, to dating, relationships and understanding the sexes.

I am always intrigued by both the insights, which many times are shrewdly wise, and help me to understand why these backwoods people are able to proliferate at the rates that they do, and also some of the information that to me is just weird.

After the evening meal, Big Dave was giving Marilyn counsel on how to find a decent man. He allowed how Marilyn's big problem isn't finding a man, it is finding one that she can respect and look up to: One that is clean and sober, gainfully employed, who is not already married, not an inmate, pervert, lazy or out of control.

Marilyn wants a clean living church man... and she doesn't want one that is ignorant. She has quite a list of traits that she will not accept in a man. She says, "I have kept myself on the straight and narrow and I want a man who's done the same thing."

Big Dave said that the only one who would be fit for Marilyn already came through, but they crucified him, so she'd better learn to settle. Marilyn said she "ain't settlin'" and would rather be alone with the Lord than to be with a man who "weren't any good."

Then, Marilyn said she thought Big Dave was too backwoods to get a decent woman. She didn't see how on earth a woman could kiss a man with a big thick beard like his. Without blinking an eye, Big Dave said "a woman don't mind going through a little brush to get to a picnic." Marilyn said, “Yuck,” and then Big Dave said that the first course on a picnic with him is a obstacle course. But, of course he is worth it. And their "aint no ants at my picnics, 'cause I spray down."

Marilyn started shrieking, Doc busted out laughing, and the dogs started barking at all the excitement, and I was too busy laughing and being grossed out to follow the rest of the conversation. But, as Doc says, "there ya go."

This one is wrote by Doc. We have been wroking on Tondy to help him look like a man. He is litle and can not hlep that. Skinny to. We have wroked on fattening him up now for more than 1 year; been taeching him to not walk on his tippy toes. Plus i been teachin him how to protect hisself with weapons what won't git him in troubble. He has put some of those lesons on this blob.You can find them back there some where.

It is a lot of wrok for he was never tuaght how to be a man at all over there in Englad. I have aslo worked with him on how to meet grils for he needed bigtime hlep on that one. But now gues what. He has a girl freind. She is litle like him but is a real girl this time if you know what I mean by that. Some of them lesons he has put on this blob to.

Aslo, we have been showing him how to get dressed. We call it Man Eye for a Sissy Guy. For he did ware at first around here these things; skin tighgt blue jeans what was RED! Same thing but aslo in YELLOW and in WHITE! He would ware girls shirts with long sleves and a hole for him to sitck his thums throuigh! He wuold ware shirts what was made of black fish nets like a hookers stockings! Aslo he would ware littel slip on sneakers what soms was red, some was yellow and some was checker board! And walked on tippy toes.

He wuold then get upset when the boys round here would call him sissiy baby. He did wiegh only 105 pounds and is 5 foot 7 which is skinniy even for a Brit. Now he is 115 pounds. They do not use pounds for weight only for money. They say what they weigh is in stones. But I told him he do not weigh even ONE stone, maybe just a small rock.

But now we have goten him some new clothes what he wares when he is down here: Camo hat. Camo shirts (2of them) mens jeans. Hunting pants. Cargo pants.Tennis shoes what covers his ancles and is black. How to stay off tippy toes. He still did go buy two hats which is white and a white swet shirt like a women would ware, but he does not ware it to much around these parts.

Now here is funny. One thing was left which is his hair which is like a girl not a man with long hair which is ok if it is worn right but his is not, more like a girl. A man can have long hair in a pony tail or parted in the middle but no bangs. Bangs is for a women.

I was typing back an forth with Mike at the LiveBluesWorld ware I have my own site not done by Tondy. In his typing back and forth Mike wrote that Tondy was a good freind to me an Marilyn and that SHE must be a nice WOMAN. I typed back that NO Tondy is not a woman but a male type creature. Mike could not beleive that! He said he had seen picutures and did still think Tondy was a girl. But I said no he is not. His eyes is not bad. Tondy did really have that look about him of a girl or a sissy and that is not just us over here teasin him. Is a true fact.

I said to him Mike that Tondy does look like that Woody Alien when he was young but Mike said yes but still thouhgt Tondy was a girl. That was right and did help us when Big Dave came over. Big Dave talked with Tondy about what hapens if you get locked up over here and look like a litle woman but is in a jail cell with some men who is VERY lonely and it is not something you want to hapen so stay out of trouble. Big Dave said a mans hair cut would help Tondy be ready lee reconized as a male and not a female. Guess what. Tondy agreed and said he had been thinkin about that more and more hisself!

We were very happy as you might imagine. Now Tondy has a fresh home made hair cut which cost him nothing but about 15 minutes of seting still and lettin Marilyn use her sizzers on him. Then we took a picuture of him. You will like the new improved Tondy. He is a hit around here even with the dogs who stopped barking at him so much. Tondy is getting to be a good sport. For a Brit.

Tondeleo: You know, Doc, some people would find it interesting that you give advice on raising kids, dating, socialising and making money, but you don't have any kids of your own that you mention and to some people, you're dead broke. How do you have any credibility?

Doc: I ain't GOT no credit ability! I pay cash for everything. Why you asking that? Don't want no credit cards. If I cain't pay for somethin' then I ain't s'posed to have it yet.

Tondeleo: No, I mean how can you know what you're talking about. That's what that means.

Doc: Yeah, I uh knew that - I was just messin' with you Tondy. But with raisin' kids, I been with plenty of folk who cain't raise kids. When it come time to raisin' Marilyn, I thought about what they done, and whatever they done, I 'cided I warn't gonna do it.

Like, if the grown ups is drinkin' and smokin' dope and doin' pills - oxy cottons is real popular out here and so is meth - then how you gonna tell the kids not to do it? An you always gonna have the drug dealers tryin' to get them started or people at school. If you want your kids good, then you gotta be good. They ain't stupid nowdays, Tondy. They can tell if their momma or daddy is drunk or high. I ain't never drunk or done drugs around Marilyn.

I ain't curse at her or use no fowl language around her an' I don't put up with it around here for the same reason. She don't like it no way herself either. She's a good girl and don't like "no-counts."

You gotta set the 'xample. That's what I tried to done, an' it made me a better man, too. You ought to do that Tondy.

Tondeleo: How about your female relationships... do you or did you set an example for Marilyn? You don't have to answer, Doc. I'm just wondering out loud.

Doc: Naw, Tondy, I aon't mind answerin'. I ain't never hung out with no trashy women; ain't like no loud mouth women. Ain't like no substance 'busers. I ain't hang out with no loud mouth men, neither. I ain't hang too tight with no men what is substance 'busers, an' I ain't never tell 'em where I live. An' if they find out, I let 'em know they ain't welcome. A substance 'buser'll steal from his own mama. I ain't havin' none of that 'round here.

You don't want to be bringin' no man or woman with problems to your house or wherever you is livin.' You ever heard of stalkers? Even women is stalkers nowdays, Tondy, an' you can't let them know where you live or expose your family to them. They can be dangerous.

Tondeleo: As you know, Doc, I have some problems in my dating life, especially in meeting nice women. I have been hurt a lot by pretty women who seemed ok at first, but then turned out to be horrible. How do you know if they are a problem? How do you know if you need to put them down?

Doc: You LISTEN!!! Tondy, that's what I been TELLIN' ya! A woman wants to be listened to. They ain't want to be pawed all over right away. If they do, they ain't no good, 'cause they know they can distract a man by showin' him all they's goodies an' lettin' him sample them. She's 'fraid he'll find out that she's mental or somethin'. You ain't want that.

You LISTEN and find out what she says about other men she has had an her kids an' her job an all that. You'll hear if she says all the men in her life are bad, or if she's complains or if everybody but her is the bad guy. Get out quick! If you don't, you are settin' yourself up to be the next bad guy and she ain't worth it. It's faster to just go home and stick a fork in your head.

Tondeleo: And, money? You talk about working and making money, but by most peoples' standards, you're poor.

Doc: Poor? I eat, got lights, got clothes, got a roof, I got a bed, I got guitars, I got tools, and I got friends. I'm healthier than most folks. I'm happy. I work. What's poor about that? I been poor. I been so poor I thought about pullin' out my teeth and puttin' them under my pillow. But I ain't poor now.

"I been so poor

I thought about pullin' out my teeth

and puttin' them

under my pillow."

Poor is mostly in the mind, Tondy. It's lookin at what you DON'T have 'stead of what you DO. You might see someone gots a big house and a lot of cars, but you ain't know they's problems. If you had their stuff, you'd have their problems.

Tondy, think of this. You can only be in one room at a time. You can only drive one car at a time. You can only get so drunk or so high. You can only know so many people. So why does a man need more than that? After more than that is just problems.

I seen a man on the TV cryin' 'bout losin' all his vestments up there on Wall Street. He still got a house a car a wife an' kids an' his health. What's he lost? Just some money. I ain't lost any my vestments. My vestments is my skills, my tools an' my guitars an' Marilyn. She's a vestment. A man's kids is a vestment. You take care of your youngin's and when you get old, they'll take care of you. I ain't poor. Just ain't got much cash on hand. But when I need it, I go out and make it, or sell something' or whatever I got to do. That's what a man does. Ain't lookin' for no handouts.

Tondeleo: Here are some more excerpts from Doc's counsel on how to raise a girl. You have to bear in mind that he has no children of his own, he says, and that Marilyn is his niece that he had to start raising just before her twelfth birthday, when his brother died. He has done a marvelous job raising her, as anyone can tell after spending a few minutes with her, and she is the pride of his life. For once, she came into the room and added her two bits worth.

Doc: Anyways Tondy, a man's job, if he's gonna be a daddy or in the place of one, is to raise a girl to know how to recognize a man who'll respect her and not take the vantage of her, if you know what I mean. They's always wooden headed boys out there just tryin' to see what they can get, an' most of the time all they can get is a girl pregnant and then they get cold feet. We ain't havin' none of that 'round here. The man's gotta be involved like bein' there when a boy shows up an quizzin' him a little bit here an' ther an' findin' out what he's about.

Like it ain't happenin' that a boy'll drive up here in my driveway an' blow his horn an spect Marilyn to come out an' hop in there with him. No sir. He comes to the door, an' comes in an' talks wi' ME first, an' lets me know where they's goin' an' who else is goin' an' when they's gettin' back which is when I set a time for. Ain't none of this 2 in the mornin' stuff, cause I ain't sittin up that late waitin' for her. An' I ain't goin' to bed til she gets in. That's IF he qualifies to take her out.

Tondeleo: DOC! You're talking about a 15 year old or 20 year old??? C'mon, man! You gotta lighten up, Doc! This is the 21st century!!

Doc: What you mean lighten up? First off when a girls' 15, she ain't got no business goin' out with a boy in a car or truck. That's a afro-daisy-act if you know what I mean. He'll get her out there and make her think the moon is blue. AIn't much gonna slow him down an' you can't expect no 15 year old girl to be able to resist, with him bein' older an' all that. No, I ain't talkin' no 15 year old. When she was 15, if a boy thought he needed to see her, he could come over here and hang out with her an' me both at first, and earn my trust before he is gettin' alone with her, an' it ain't gonna be out in the barn or in the shed or in her bedroom. They can be where I got public access when I want. I ain't tryin to be a uncle stepgran'daddy an' she ain't gonna be no single mom.

But when she turned 16, we turned on some rules an' those are the ones we stick with pretty much. Now that she is twenty, she's learnt that if a boy don't want to meet the old man, and spend a few minutes talking like an adult, he probably ain't about nothin' and ain't gonna amount to much any way.

Tondeleo: You don't think that's too restrictive? She's TWENTY ONE, Doc!

Doc: Yeh, she's twenty one. An' she ain't a mama yet and she ain't shacked up with no deadbeat an' she ain't never been in no trouble at all! I can tell you this much, Tondy, she wouldn't go out with YOU. She knows how you are an' she ain't impressed with your way of livin'.

Twenty one years old don't make no difference in right an' wrong an' 21st century whatever that is don't make no difference. They ain't but one way to make a baby, an' people do it an' then wonder what happened. You did the one thing to make a baby an' now you're shocked you got one an' think everyone ought to feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you're that ignorant. Nobody just accidentally gets pregnant, they just don't do nothing to keep from gettin' pregnant. That's ignorant.

As for waitin' up for her, that's just about caring, Tondy. We got all kinds of deer out here, dogs runnin' wild an' anything could happen to a person out late at night - age ain't got nothin' to do with it. Yeah, I wait up for her an' she 'preciates it.

She don't go out that much anyways cause most the boys round here ain't qualifed to go out with her cause she don't want to be stuck out on some back road bein' pawed all over by a redneck which is likely to be the last time he does that when I find out cause she will come home madder'n the pope when he found out what all them priests was doin.

Marilyn: Tondy, you don't understand cause you're a boy an' you don't respect girls. Uncle Doc ain't too hard on anybody. I've had three boyfriends and they all knew the rules before we got involved and they knew I like it that way. It wasn't a problem and they all like Uncle Doc because they didn't none of them have real daddies at home that could teach them how to be real men. Uncle Doc got them working with him our in the shop and helped them with their cars and self defense so they could look out for me - everything. He even got one of them a Christmas present. I feel lucky to be like this. Most of my girlfriends don't have any kind of older man to be there for them. Their mom's boyfriends are just there to be with the mom and to live there rent free. That ain't happening to me. So there.

Doc: You gotta help a girl find out what she wants and don't want so she can pick for herself who ain't worth messin' wit so she can be free when a good one comes along. An' no, she don't have no interest in you, Tondy cause you ain't no 'merican an' you talk like a sissy. She said so herself, you talk girly.

Marilyn: That's right, Tondy. You're a Brit.

Tondeleo: In college, I learned that to succeed in business, you need a USP, a unique selling position. Would you say that pertains to having success with women?

Doc: “A what? UPS? That's for packages! But women like packages. 'Specially if they's jewelry in 'em. I ain't been to no college, but they is right about you got to package what you got.”

Tondeleo: Uh … OK, it does mean something that makes you different from other people, something that makes you unique, special. Is that true for meeting women to date?

Doc: “Well YEH – no wonder you ain’t no good with women! You gotta stand out, but not like a freak or a sissy. Like, you got to have money or a nice pickup with good speakers, or a nice house or somethin’ that sets you apart from the other guys who can’t catch a woman. Everybody knows that. How’s come you don’t know that?

“For me, I learnt to play guitar an’ sing when I was just twelve. I never been tall or good lookin’, but I can sing a song and play a guitar. My first guitar, I still got it. It says Colgate on the neck so I called it my toothpaste guitar.”

[Note: It says actually “Collegiate.” Collegiates were cheap guitars back in the 50’s. They cost about $15 brand new – Tondeleo]

“My Colgate guitar has been all over the place with me. It has been busted a lot of times. I have a bolt up there on the neck where the strings go up to where you tune ‘em, an’ a piece of molding down on the body where the strings go over the hole. It’s split and cracked an’ I learnt with it only havin’ 3 strings. I still play it like that. A guitar is s’posed to have 6 strings. But my Colgate only has 3.

“Playin’ guitar an’ singing makes a man stand out. Playin’ a guitar with only 3 strings makes a man stand out even more, cause most people can’t play a 3 string guitar. But I can. I can sing country, blues, rock n roll an’ even Jimmy Hendrickson. All on a 3 string guitar. You cain’t do that.”

Tondeleo: Three strings – no, I can’t do that. You also play a normal guitar too, right, Doc?

Doc: “Well YEH. What if I went somewhere an’ all there was were 6 string guitars? I need to be able to play ‘em all. I can play a bass guitar too. They have 4 strings.

If I got to play a ‘lectric guitar, I can do that too. I got a handful of ‘lectric guitars, one is called a Telecaster that I play. It’s from about 1971, somewhere back there. Someone said they’s worth about a thousand dollars nowadays. But mine ain’t for sale.

Tondeleo: WOW! I should think it's worth a lot more than a thousand dollars... I've seen those old Fender guitars on Ebay, Doc and they go for big money...

Doc: Why would I care what it’s worth if I ain’t tryin’ to sell it? I don’t care if it’s worth a million dollars, I ain’t sellin’ it an’ I would hurt a man if he tried to steal it ‘cause sometimes I make a livin’ off that guitar, an’ it provides food an’ shelter for me an’ for Marilyn. She’s my brother’s girl, my brother what died.

I also got me a SEVEN string guitar what I play. It’s electric, like the Telecaster, but it’s a Ibanez. I got it from a devil worshiper with long black hair who played a club when I was in Memphis. ‘Bout 1998. So I been havin’ it for a while. This boy, I think he was a devil worshiper, cause he had long hair and played that yee-yee-yee music where all they do is scream.

He got himself in some trouble at a bar he was playin’ at an’ they was beatin’ him up on the sidewalk. He flicked somebody off or somethin’. Nobody ought to be beat like that, so I went over an’ pulled them boys off him. I sent two of ‘em to the hospital. Weren’t no big thing, I caught ‘em off guard an’ hurt ‘em pretty bad. But they had it comin. I took that guy to the room I was stayin’ at an’ let him get better for a couple of days. He left and gave me his 7 string guitar as a thank you. I aint never played a seven string afore. But he wanted me to have it.

I didn’t play it for a year, but then one day I was drivin’ down the road an’ a voice told me to put two bass guitar strings on it. So I stopped at Wal-Mart an’ bought bass strings an’ put ‘em on it. I still play it like that. Use my thumb on the bass an’ my other fingers on the other strings. That makes a man stand out, too. He had it all painted blue with purple stripes and that makes a man stand out.

“When I get work in another place I ain’t from, I might sit outside an’ play guitar an’ sing until someone comes by an’ starts talkin’. Sometimes, my brother’s girl, he’s dead, Marilyn comes with me. She’s a waitress an’ sings an’ plays harp [harmonica]. We sing and play whatever spirit takes us at the moment. Country, blues, gospel, rock, I don’t care.

When people see her with me, they know I am not dangerous an’ then they will talk with me. An’ I protect Marilyn from boys what gets the wrong idea about her. She’s a nice girl, a church going girl an’ I aim to keep her that way. She ain’t no fish for a man to catch with a plastic lure. Nope.”

Tondeleo: Thanks Doc. I’ll need to work on my USP with the ladies. I’ll do something to stand out…

Doc: Well, boy, remember it’s like the law of the jungle. You can either blend in so you don’t get eaten or you can stand out to scare off the predators. Standing out is better.

Tondeleo: A few days ago, you mentioned how you knew guys who'd met girls at church and ended up dating them. I’m not much of a church guy and most of my readers aren’t. But I wouldn’t mind a church girl. How’s that work?

Doc: “Meetin' up girls at church! There's a difference between MEETING a girl at church and startin' to like her and goin' to church just to pick up women. Boy, you don’t want to get the Lord mad at you. But, a church is a good place for a lonely man. He can get the Lord in his life and maybe he won’t be so lonely and maybe he won’t be too selfish to get a good woman.

“But I gotta tell you something else, Tondy. Not all those church girls are sweet an innocent like you might think. Some of them came to church and gave themselves to the Lord because they have a past. They mighta been strippers, or crack heads. You can’t know. They might be gold diggers goin' to church to meet a good simple man who will be gullible. You might end up getting eaten alive. And I would say you deserve it.

“If after all that, you want to go to church to meet a good woman, you need to do some homework and some soul searchin’. Church is where you go to meet the Lord and then He might let you meet a Christian woman. A good woman in church ain’t lookin’ for a man to fornicate with. She ain’t lookin’ for a foulmouthed man who starts cussin’ and hollerin’ when he ain’t getting his way. She’s lookin’ for a good man, and a man who is seekin’ spiritual things. But you can do that - you can seek spiritual things.

“You gotta dress nice for a church girl. You ought to get you a Bible and start reading the New Testament, specially the red words. That’s the ones Jesus spoke. Then, you gotta go to church and try to follow along in your Bible during the preachin’ and listen to what the preacher says. After church, they might have a fellowship time, where people hangs out and gets to know each other. Be a little shy, and stand there looking pleasant. A woman might approach you. If not, just come back the next time. Keep it up and one will, no doubt in my mind.

“Don’t worry if you don’t know much about religion. Tell her you’re new at all this and are lookin’ to make changes. Church gals like a man who can admit he has made mistakes and is willing to change. You might want to ask her if there are any books that would help you. She will tell you! Church gals like to read, and they like to HELP men who are willin’ to read. If you get this far, you can let mother nature and the Lord take their course. That’s all I am gonna say about you meetin' girls at church. I don’t want the Lord to get mad at me.”

"Good women like good talk. Dirty women like dirty talk. That’s all there is to that one. Me, I ain't never liked no woman what talked like a sailor."

Tondeleo: Doc, some guys say that women want you to talk dirty to them; to use a lot of sexy talk. What do you say?

Doc: “Good women like good talk. Dirty women like dirty talk. That’s all there is to that one. I ain't never liked no woman what talked like a sailor. Don’t never talk dirty around a good woman. It’ll turn her off. Decent women like decent men. I’m a decent man.”

Dressing Nice

Tondeleo: How important is it to dress nice? Would you agree that clothes make the man?

Doc: “Clothes don’t make no man. I seen a lot of so called men dressed up and they wasn’t nothin’ but dressed up sissies. They’s got a magazine for them up town. It’s called GQ an’ I ain't seen nothing in GQ but dressed up sissies. No real woman would want a man that’s a sissy.

But a man needs to learn how to dress good. A good man feels good when he looks good. You ain’t gotta be in a three piece suit or nothin’. Just gotta be sure you’re clean and don’t smell like BO or onions or cars. If I been out in my shop workin' on cars, I stink even if I don’t know it. So I always take a bath and clean up afterwards and put on clean overalls and a shirt. Oh yeh, an you need to shave a couple of times a day, if you want to be with a woman. I learnt the most important time to shave is at night, right before going out to eat or whatever. Shavin' just in the mornin' don't get it. Ain't too many women go for that look where a man is all covered in stubble. And ain't no woman gonna want to rub your face if it feels like sandpaper."

Tondeleo: When we were talking a few minutes ago, you also told me to stay away from singles bars. It seems to me as a single man, that a singles bar would be the best place to meet women. But you disagreed.

Doc: "Of COURSE I disagreed! You ain't gonna find no girlfriend at a singles bar! Girls don't go to singles bars looking for boyfriends! They go there lookin' for lonely guys who will buy them drinks all evening! They aint there lookin' for husbands. An' they would see YOU comin' a mile off! You look scared, lonely and unsure of yourself, so you feel like you gotta spend a lot of money on a girl to keep her attention. She would milk you dry! An' you would still be alone at the end of the evenin'. Stay away from singles bars. Go to regular places where there's regular people who ain't desperate.

Tondeleo: Ok, I get the point, I think. Doc, so back to where you told me how to get a few girls to sit with you in a booth for the price of a few sodas[see previous post].What then? Like how do you get their phone numbers, or get them to go out with you afterwards?”

Doc: “Ain't that hard either, Tondy. You just listen a lot and say things that make them laugh. Girls like to laugh. But they don’t laugh like men laughs. We laugh at things that are funny, like passin' gas' or burpin'. Women laugh because they are FEELIN' something that the rest of 'em are feelin'. It's a group thing with them. I cain't explain it, cause I’m not a woman. Women like to laugh together cause they is all feelin' the same thing. Just remember that much.

Same as fishin'. I don’t eat what fish eat. But I know what they wanna eat, an’ I prepare myself to give it to em.”

“We’ll sit there an I might throw out a couple of things what maybe one of my sisters said, or my neice Marilyn. Marilyn talks a lot an' says things what I don't always unnerstand. So do my sisters. ‘em. I might say something like, “My sister said somethin’ that I don’t understand. Mebbe y’all gals know what she means. Is it really true that a girl thinks… and then I will say what she said that I didn't understand, but am interested in. That’s one thing you can do.”

Todeleo: “How about the number? How do I get her phone number? Her REAL phone number, Doc, because frequently a girl will give me a number, and then when I call it, it is the number of a business, or just a disconnected number. I need to be able to get her phone number.”

Doc: “Yeh, you need that. Well, you cain’t seem desperate an’ you cain’t seem like it really matters either way if you get it or not. So you might look at yer watch an’ say, “Whoa, it’s getting late, I gotta get outta here an get my beauty rest. Gotta say I had fun wi’ y’all gals. Hope you did. We had some good laughs, didn’t we?" That’s to remind ‘em how fun you are. That’s when you pull out a pencil and paper. A pen might make you look too slick.Leastwise for me it would. You Brits might be OK with a pen.

“Then you go, ‘I’d like to do this again. Any y’all got phone numbers?’ An’ you know they do. Then say, “Heck I don’t need ALL y’all’s numbers. How bout YOU, who helped me with the sodas? You’re a pretty good helper. I’ll give you MINE if you’ll give me yours!’

An' then write down your number real quick, and tear it off for her, an hand her the pencil an' the other half the paper. Most of the time you’ll get it. If you got a cell phone, when you get the paper back, you could tell her you're gonna try it out to make sure you can read her chicken scratch handwriting. If her cell phone rings, then you're good to go. If it don't, you can look at her funny an' say something like, "You musta really thought I was gonna CALL you! I ain't NEED to call you - I can just see you here the nex time," or something like that. But you gotta keep it in good fun.

If you check her number and it DOES ring, you can say, “I gotta WARN you, I might try it out in a couple of days.” Then you call her in a couple days. From there, if you cain’t do nothin’ I cain't help you.”

“It’s like fishin’, Tondy. You have to know what you’re fishin' for and where to find the fish and what

the fish are bitin’. Then, once you catch ‘em, you gotta know what to do with ‘em. That’s your business.”

Tondeleo: OK, right. So that’s how you might get a date from a club. I'm not too social. How about at a library or bookstore or museum? How could I get a date from someone I saw at a place like that?

Doc: “We had a liberry most every place I done lived. Ain’t had a bookstore or museum. A liberry ain’t too hard. It’s still like fishin’. 'Cept a girl at a liberry’s gonna be bitin' on something else from a girl at a dance. In a liberry, you got to have a reason to be there. You’re tryin’ to learn something. You are in a learnin’ mode.

“And you cain’t be in there to be learnin’ about deer huntin' or nothing what only pertains mostly to men. I know’d some gals what gone deer huntin', though. But not many. No, you’re in there to learn about something a woman might be interested in, but a man wouldn’t know so much about.

Except maybe you might be wanting to learn more about fixin’ cars, and that’s not too bad. Why? Because a girl might have a car, and it might need some work, an’ that’s a reason to give her your phone number. I done that once a while back.

I had been outside when she pulled up and when she turned her car off, it kept runnin' for a few seconds. That’s called dieselin’, by the way.I ain't say nothin' to her at the time, but I could tell she was pretty embarrased by it. She looked red in the face and when she got outta her car she was makin' a mad face at it.

“So that time, I went in and picked up a Chilton’s book. They tell you how to fix cars. I waited for her to go sit at a table and then I sat where she could see me, and I held the book up in front of me a bit like I was readin' a newspaper for a few minutes. I waited til I saw her lookin' at it. A few minutes later, I walked over with the book still in my hand, and said I heard her car runnin' on when she turned it off, and that by doin' that it could break her crankshaft, and then she’d have a ‘spensive repair.

“That got her attention. Then, I said I could fix it, probably for less than fifty bucks. If it didn’t fix it, it wouldn’t cost her nothin’. She asked if I was a mechanic, an I said “Actually, I’m a guy who fixes near about anything. I could fix electric stuff, could do carpentry work and even a little concrete work. But I would like to fix her car for her, unless her HUSBAND or BOYFRIEND would mind. And guess what? She said she didn’t have a husband or a boyfriend!

“I told her I could fix it on Saturday, an then gave her my number. And, in case something came up, I didn’t want her to sit around waiting for me, so I would need her number, just in case! She gave it to me, and on Saturday, I went over and fixed it.

“Guess what else I did, Tondy? I took along some GOJO (hand cleaner), some rags and some clean clothes and shoes! After fixin’ her car, I cleaned up out behind her house and went behind a tree and changed my clothes! I knocked on her door to tell her I was done, and she kept sayin’ how clean and neat I looked!

She came out and listened to her car an’ then invited me in to eat with her. She figured I might get hungry out there workin' so hard. We ate, an afterwards sat on the porch talkin’ an’ I got a kiss before I left! Just on the cheek, but that wasn’t the last one I got from her, either! I called her two days later to ask how the car was and then went back midweek to “check on it,” and got another kiss! Girls and women like to be taken care of and like a man who can fix things. I got to be a regular handyman, I did!”

“But it don’t have to be a car book. A fix-it book can work, or anything else, that will give you a chance to approach her and ask her something. Use your head and your heart.”

Tondeleo: "Doc, I've been taking your advice on how to meet and talk with women. As you know, I'm not American and I live on the money I make writing, and..."

Doc interrupting: "So what, Tondy? You tryin' to say you ain't got enough money to take her out once you got her interest? A woman don't want no broke man. Don't blame her. A man needs to be able to make some money and show a woman a nice time. Hard as a woman works to get ready for a date, the man better be able to make it worth her time. What you tryin' to say, that you can't afford to take her out once you got her attention?"

Tondeleo: "Well, not exactly, Doc, and it's not just me in that situation. Plenty of young Americans are working for minimum wage and find themselves in the same situation. A person really can't live on minimum wage, much less have any kind of life, or money for dating."

Doc: "Tondy, you sound like a crybaby. Here's how it works here in America. Minimum wage ain't MEANT to be lived on! That's why they call it minimum. That means as little as possible. And so what? If you have minimum skills and cain't do nothing, or if you do minimum work, why should you be paid more than minimum? You shouldn't!

And you ain't supposed to be stayin' there. Minimum wage is the bottom step on the ladder, not a place to live, Tondy. Here in America, everybody knows that already. Even immigrants who can't speak English knows it. You start off at minimum if you can, and take what you can get if you can't. Then you start learnin' and increasin' what you is worth to the employer. As you get worth more, they pays you more to keep you from quittin' and goin' somewhere else and makin' money for them.

I ain't a rich man. As far as the world's concerned I'm a poor man. But I ain't in debt, and I don't cry about it, an' I never been on welfare. Welfare is a bad thing to give to someone who is able to work. It's bad for a person to be given money if they is able to work but they won't workin.

The Bible says if a man won't work then he shouldn't eat. It's in there. It ain't about a man who CAIN'T work, it's about a man who WON'T work. Let that man go hungry til he WILL work.

When you pay a man not to work, he gets to be afraid to work lessen he lose his benefits or SSI check. I know people like that. The years go by an' you can't really live on welfare, an' you can't make no money so a man jus' feels lower n' dirt. An' his woman got to work an' he don't feel like no man. An' he gets to drinkin' an' druggin' an' fightin' an' gamblin' tryin' to deal with is pain. That's why I have slept out on the streets rather'n be on welfare.

But, Tondy, I always been willin' to work when I was able. Sometimes I got hurt on a job an' couldn't work for a few weeks at a time, but when I could I would take my guitar an' sing on the streets an' people would gimme a little somethin' for singin' for 'em."

When I would get better, I'd look for work, an' I'd do mos' anything. I LIKE doin' body an' fender work. I like goin' to a place where all they have is young guys that ain't real body men. All they can do is replace parts, but cain't fix a panel what's been hit hard. I can do that. I can take a junk panel and can use a torch an' hammer an' dolly and beat it back to the right shape an' use just a little mud [body filler] on it. But these new boys, cain't do that.

No, I cain't fix EVERYTHING. Lookit this, Tondy: Saddest picture of a wrecked car I ever did see. A wrecked '55 Chevy convertible. Hit a tree an' pushed the motor back three feet. Frame's shot, front clip is gone an' the body is twisted. A cryin' shame. In good shape, that car's worth more than $10,000. But I couldn't fix that. I don't think no one could. A man what wrecked that, all he can do is cry.

A wrecked car is no better than a wrecked man.

I like paintin' signs. I done pretty good at that. But in some towns they ain't no body shops hirin' an' nowadays the sign shops mostly use stick on letters so they ain't hirin' any signpainters. I have took work in sawmills, paintin' houses, carpentry, plumbin' you name it.

An' I will sometimes work the first day for FREE, boy. FREE, then the boss man can tell me what he will pay me. An' I worked many days for less than minimum wage while I was learnin. Now, they can see what I can do an' I get paid 10 or maybe 12 dollars a hour, under the table, which is better 'n waitin' til the end of the week an' gettin' all those tax reductions taken out.

Immigrants understand that. They get a gold [goal] an' work toward it. They work hard an' put off havin' fun 'til they has some money. An' they's willin' to learn whatever they got to learn so they can make a life for them an' their family.

I have met a Mexican doctor who does windows an vinyl sidin.' He was a doctor down to Mexico, and came here. He started off here as a laborer 'cause at first he couldn't even do windows an' sidin' He did it for 5 dollars an hour. He didn't say he was too good to do that. He wanted a chance to make good an' he is doing it. His brother is a professor in Mexico an' is comin' to America to do windows an' sidin' for $10 a hour. Americans won't do that hard work for $10 a hour. But you come back in ten years an' those Mexicans will have their own business an' a big house an' fancy cars. An' the Americans who turn up they's nose to $10 a hour is still going to be broke an' still complainin' about it.

When I ain't got no money I ain't never asked a woman to go out. A broke man ain't got no business datin' and partyin' and all that. He needs to work and get a stablished. I would work, get a place to stay, an' a place to wash up, an' then I would ask a woman out when I could treat her right an' be able to put on the charm and make her glad she was with me and not someone else.

Minimum wage is for minimum work, Tondy. That's all they is to it.

Tondeleo: I confess. I am a bit shy around girls and women. I have never been very outgoing, and have been rather studious. Also, I am small, around 8 stone currently (112 - 115 pounds in US weight) and I feel under confident. So, I decided to get whatever counsel I could from Doc. I suppose I went to him for information because he is confident, and has a lot of friends, and he is quite free with his advice, if he thinks the person asking is sincere, which I am! I need all the help I can get.

Doc can tell you all you need to know about making friends, both male and female. He plays down some of the stories I've heard about him, and says it's just a bunch of hogwash. But there are still those people whose eyes light up when you mention his name, and can tell you a few tales about his younger days.

So on one of my visits to his bungalow, I was asking him how to meet women, and how to get one to go out on a date with me. I asked him how he did it, back in his day. One reason this is important to me is that when I am in the States, I feel like I just cannot compete with American blokes. They are bigger, stronger, more outgoing and they have more money and fast cars. I have little confidence and am quiet and studious. And I am always short of money.

So I asked Doc how he would get dates and make female freinds, especially with him being a poor man, and not very educated, in a culture that values money, power and education.

Doc: “Getting a woman to talk to you, getting a girl to want to go out with you. Is that what you mean?

“Taint nothing to it, Tondy. Catchin' a woman ain’t no harder than catching a fish. How do you catch a fish? Well, first you have to know a little bit about fish in general. Like where are you gonna find one. You ain't gonna find a fish on the side of the road and they sure as heck ain't gonna jump in your pan or on your plate.

“Some men are stupid. They think just because they’s hungry and likes fish that fish oughtta be jumpin' on their plate saying ‘do what you want with me.’ Well that ain't gonna happen. Same with a woman."

“Some men are stupid. They think just because they’s hungry and likes fish that fish oughtta be jumpin' on their plate saying ‘do what you want with me.’ Well that ain't gonna happen. Same with a woman. Just cause you want a woman friend and are feelin' all lean an hungry aint gonna get you a woman, Tondy. Any fisherman knows that.

“Where you find fish? In the water. You ain’t find ‘em on the side of the road. A man ain’t gonna find a woman if all he do is go to work an come home and watch TV. Nope. Ain’t gonna find a woman if all he do is hang out with his other friends which is men. No, a man gotta go where the fish is, or in your case, Tondy where the women is to be found.

"You aint gonna find one sittin' in your room lookin' at that innerweb, either. You might think you met one, but she might just be a HE, an' HE might just be a robber or stick up man. You ain't know what you're dealin' with on that web. They got that inner web over to the liberry at Bryans Road an' my friend Harold thought he met his future wife an' she turned out to be a 47 year old dude who was just on that web for kicks! You ain't wanna fish in that pond, no doubt!

“When I was young we din’t have much places to meet girls. Had farms, had a factory, had a liberry, had a general store, had dances sometimes, an' had church. That’s it. But you can find where the women are and then go there. But that ain’t all.

“You gotta take your tackle. You need 'quipment an you need bait. You don’t just take your line an hook an a fork an' tartar sauce an think you’re gonna have a fish dinner. You gotta know what kind of fish you’re after an' what it bites on. An you have to be slow an patient and keep real cool.

“Like when I wanted a social type gal, I would go to the dance an find me one that looked unattached an' wasn’t too busy wi’ her girlfriends. Then I’d find me a reason to make the approach. You can’t jes go up an say ‘Hi, I’m Tondy Thomas an' I'm a Brit, an I wanna go out wi’ you.’ No.

But bein' a Brit might help you. It makes you stand out. And it gives you a 'scuse for bein' little an' pale an' skinny. A lotta girls like the girly way you Brits talk. That could work. I ain't never been too good lookin' or rich, but I play music an' I usually got a hot rod or somethin' that makes me stand out. An' back when I was goin' out I weren't a drunk or a pervert. I ain't never talked dirty around women.

Here's somethin' that my ex brother in law taught me twenty years ago. You might take an empty cup that they was selling soda’s in, an as you walk by might catch the eye of the one you have your eye on an say, ‘I’m goin’ up to get me another soda. Any y’all want me to bring you back one?’ Then you have a second to catch her eye an’ look friendly but serious at the same time.

They might say ‘no,’ an they might not. Even if they say no, you can stick aroun’ for a minute and chum the water. [Note: “Chumming the water” means to throw out a little bait to get the fish to let down their guard, so later you can put some bait on a hook and the fish will be ready to bite it – Tondeleo)

“Now, when you're standin’ there with your empty soda cup, you have a reason to stay there an' a reason to leave. They can’t hurt you, an' it gives them a chance to see you ain't no pervert or weirdo. So you might say something that they ain’t used to hearing.

“See, a pretty girl always is hearing compliments from dude who wants to get a hold of her. Ain’t no shortage of men with bad lines. They’s all hook and no bait. Nope, don’t ever tell a girl she looks pretty or that she has pretty hair or nothin’ like that. It don’t take no brains to come up with that, and also, where you gonna go from there?

“You wanna say somethin’ she ain’t expectin’. Here’s somethin' you might try. Talk to the UGLIEST girl in the bunch first. That way they can see you're harmless an’ just a nice guy on his way to get another soda. I would say something funny, most of the time. That's 'cause I'm pretty funny, an' if you ain't got looks an' ain't made outta money you gotta find SOMETHING you got goin' for you. For me, I am a little funny, but I ain't no joker or clown. An' I always show respect.

"You might wanna get a girl laughin’. Not laughin’ like you’re a clown or a comedian, but laughin’ because you are nice and because she is relaxin’ aroun’ you. You might say somethin’ funny about the band what’s playin’ or make a remark about some other girl that is supposed to be so pretty, but you know the other girls don’t like her.

“Once you do that, an’ the prettier ones see you’re willin’ to talk to the ugly one, they figure out that you’re different and they can trust you. Then you can start workin' on talkin' to the one or two you is really interested in. Sometimes I have found that I like the ugler one better anyway. She got to try a little harder and ain't always so demandin' as the ones what think they is all that.

Tondeleo: “You said not to say things like she has pretty hair or how good looking she is. How do you start a conversation with a girl that you’re interested in? I’m shy, and a lot of guys are. I take it that you weren’t very shy…”

Doc: “Shy? No, I definitely ain’t shy! But weren't never smooth, neither. I ain't insecure. I am what I am an' I am comfortable with that. That's important.

If you know how to catch a fish and you can learn how to catch a woman's attention. When you’re talkin' to the uglier one, you also need to listen. Like with fish. You might be chummin' the waters, and minnows and blue gills may be coming up for the chum. An you might see a large mouth bass, over out of the way. He’s the one you really want. So, you CHUM the little ones, while paying ATTENTION to the one you want, and he starts to trust you, 'cause you’re different than the rest.”

Tondeleo: “So what kinds of things do you actually say?”

Doc: “Well, like I said, you might say somethin’ funny about the band, or the bouncer, or any other person who’s up front or seems important. Say it funny, though, not like you’re wishin' you was them but you’re not. Then, pending on how they react, you can start kind of teasing one of the girls in the group, but do it good natured. Like maybe you would tease your girl cousin. Just poke a little fun at her, and then back off. That’s part of chumming the waters.”

“From there, you might look down at your empty soda cup an say, ‘look at what y’all girls done. You made me forget to get my soda! While I’m getting mine, I’m gonna get some for y’all too.’ Then look at the one you really are wantin’ but haven’t been payin special attention to, an say, ‘An I need YOU to give me a hand so I don’t spill ‘em.’ An you just nod with your head the direction of the bar or soda fountain an start walkin.’ Nine times outta ten she’ll follow. An, as you’re leavin', Tondy, you holler for the other gals to try an’ get ya’ll a booth.

“So, you an' the pretty one get the sodas, an the two of you come back to the booth an you got you a whole booth full of girls. An’ the pretty one is now thinkin’ you’re a good provider an she doesn’t want the other girls to move in an’ snatch you up. That’s one way you might meet a girl or two.

"One more thing, Tondy. It ain't all about looks. You ain't really interested in a good looker who ain't about nothin.' Lotsa good lookin' girls is like chihuahua's on cocaine. They is picky, nervous and they yap yap yap all the time. It ain't worth puttin' up with all that yappin' an' complainin.' It's better to have 160 pounds of curves than 110 pounds of nerves. No doubt!"