Doc Stevens

Tondeleo: I'm back in the States after being gone for five months. I've been mired in work and have had absolutely no time to transcribe conversations with Doc, Marilyn and their friends. I feel dreadful about this, but life happens. Actually, life happens while you're waiting for life to happen. I'm learning that as I grow older! 


I'm in awe of the weather on the east coast here in the States! I have been here since the week before Christmas and it has been unseasonably warm and quite nice, even though it has rained a lot. It still isn't as damp as England. I love this! I'm outside with just a tshirt and even wearing short trousers!

Being New Years Eve, I'm wondering what Doc, Big Dave and Rick are going to do. Maybe tonight they'll break their teetotaling ways. Once can only hope. All three of them had had problems due to their drinking in times past and all of them come from families where alcoholism runs deep. I get that. But that isn't MY background! And here I am stuck out living in a cabin in the woods with these three tee totaling musicians and their dogs and instruments.

 Doc was just talking about how every year his father would drink up their Christmas and nobody got any gifts. His dad's head hurt so bad that everyone had to be quiet and tiptoe around the house. Doc's dad was big and acted like a bear with a headache. And Doc would've kept up the family tradition if not for a few miracles.

Doc said, "As much as I hated my daddy, I was growin' up to be just like him. When he would walk across a bar, other men would point to him and say, 'there's a dangerous man.' That's what I wanted to be, a dangerous man. And I was workin' on it pretty well, but like my daddy, I found out that no matter how dangerous you are, you're gonna run into someone more dangerous than you."

"Plus, it's better to go to an AA meeting if I want to get together with my old drinking buddies. They have sober parties, and it's easier to stay sober if everyone else is..."

Big Dave added, "Yeh, I grew up the same way. Daddy and mama was always fightin'  over his drinkin' and fightin'. It weren't no fun for us kids. Not at all. Far as I'm concerned, alcohol ain't good for nothin' but pourin' on cuts."

Doc agreed. "I ain't taken a drink in years. I don't go to no bars. You can have a few shots of liquor and start lookin' for a fight. Liquor makes a angry man more angry... Do y'all have AA in England, Tondy?"


I assured him that we did, which he marveled at. looked over to Rick, who'd been sitting over in the corner quietly. He said, "i'm more peaceful than these guys. My dad taught us that you shouldn't go looking for fights, because there's always a fight looking for you. And you shouldn't think someone is being mean just because he's running his mouth. It might just be that he's ignorant and doesn't know any better. We were raised to just quietly slip out and go home if we could... or go stand by someone like Doc - let HIM be the target!

Doc and Big Dave got into a discussion of the nice cars and pickups that they'd had but had wrecked them due to drinking. Both of them talked about miracles that happened to keep them from getting killed. Doc had a couple of guitars that were destroyed by his automobile accidents. 

"I broke a good Telecaster in a fight once, hitting a guy what pulled a knife on me. He never knew what hit him. A Tele weighs like 9 pounds. It's a pretty good weapon. But if we'd all been sober, I'd still would've had that guitar."

Rick added that he threw up into a harmonica once. Well, actually twice. 

I have a lot of catching up to do with Doc, Big Dave, Rick, Marilyn and all their friends. I look forward to taking more pictures, recording more conversations and doing more blog posts than I did last year! And I guess I'll get a good start, because none of them are going anywhere to celebrate. Marilyn and her husband David are going to church! She said they want to start the new year with God and with taking communion...  I almost went with them, just to get out of the house, but then she said the communion at her church isn't wine, it's just grape juice.

Ok. I'll stay home, be safe, get some sleep and wake up with a clear head tomorrow. Could be worse.


 

Tondeleo: Now that Doc has opened up to the idea of talking about some of his guitars and letting me take pictures of them, he is opening up quite a bit. He has also told me to make it clear he does not keep them all in one place, or even in his house. They are different places, for security reasons and so if his bungalow burns down or something, he won't lose all his beloved guitars and equipment.

Doc: This here is an Inez [Ibanez] seven string guitar. I aint use it too much. It sounds good though. I got this over to Tennessee about ten years ago. A long haired boy what played what I call devil music, that kind where all they do is scream like they is already in hell, was bein' picked on by some rednecks. It weren't right.

I ain't like devil music and I ain't like how that boy looked, but he was still a human bein' and should not be treated like they treated him. So I dived in there and showed them how a country boy can come on like a big dog. I ain't really big, maybe 200 pounds, but I am pretty quick and I had a equaliser which shall remain nameless and I was in it just long enough to help that boy out, and for them other guys to leave cause they saw a cop car comin' up. I was glad they did cause they would have whooped me too, if they had got their minds to it.

Anyway, that boy down there gave me this seven string guitar cause he didn't use it too much he said and he wanted me to have it for savin' his rear end. I didn't want to take it but he wanted me to have it so there you go.

It was chipped up and dinged up so I fixed the bad parts and painted it and pinstriped it. I used to do a lot of that kind of work. I still do some of it. Pinstriped it and then put clearcoat on it, like you use on a car. I think it is from 90's. I don't know. I ain't never seen one afore. Ain't seen one since. This the only one I seen.

A seven string ain't used much as far as I know, ceptin' in like heavy metal music or whatever it is called. I put two bass strings on it for a while, so I had five regular guitar strings and the two bass. That was pretty fun, but then I loaned it to a boy for a while and he took 'em off and put on regular, so I just kept it that way.

It ain't been hot rodded or nothing as far as I know. Just painted. Sometimes I want to sell it, but then I play it to make up my mind and decide to keep it. I don't know, I might ought to sell it. I don't play it that much and probably will get rid of it or trade it for something else. Seven strings. That's a lot of strings. But it sounds good.

This one is wrote by Doc. We have been wroking on Tondy to help him look like a man. He is litle and can not hlep that. Skinny to. We have wroked on fattening him up now for more than 1 year; been taeching him to not walk on his tippy toes. Plus i been teachin him how to protect hisself with weapons what won't git him in troubble. He has put some of those lesons on this blob.You can find them back there some where.

It is a lot of wrok for he was never tuaght how to be a man at all over there in Englad. I have aslo worked with him on how to meet grils for he needed bigtime hlep on that one. But now gues what. He has a girl freind. She is litle like him but is a real girl this time if you know what I mean by that. Some of them lesons he has put on this blob to.

Aslo, we have been showing him how to get dressed. We call it Man Eye for a Sissy Guy. For he did ware at first around here these things; skin tighgt blue jeans what was RED! Same thing but aslo in YELLOW and in WHITE! He would ware girls shirts with long sleves and a hole for him to sitck his thums throuigh! He wuold ware shirts what was made of black fish nets like a hookers stockings! Aslo he would ware littel slip on sneakers what soms was red, some was yellow and some was checker board! And walked on tippy toes.

He wuold then get upset when the boys round here would call him sissiy baby. He did wiegh only 105 pounds and is 5 foot 7 which is skinniy even for a Brit. Now he is 115 pounds. They do not use pounds for weight only for money. They say what they weigh is in stones. But I told him he do not weigh even ONE stone, maybe just a small rock.

But now we have goten him some new clothes what he wares when he is down here: Camo hat. Camo shirts (2of them) mens jeans. Hunting pants. Cargo pants.Tennis shoes what covers his ancles and is black. How to stay off tippy toes. He still did go buy two hats which is white and a white swet shirt like a women would ware, but he does not ware it to much around these parts.

Now here is funny. One thing was left which is his hair which is like a girl not a man with long hair which is ok if it is worn right but his is not, more like a girl. A man can have long hair in a pony tail or parted in the middle but no bangs. Bangs is for a women.

I was typing back an forth with Mike at the LiveBluesWorld ware I have my own site not done by Tondy. In his typing back and forth Mike wrote that Tondy was a good freind to me an Marilyn and that SHE must be a nice WOMAN. I typed back that NO Tondy is not a woman but a male type creature. Mike could not beleive that! He said he had seen picutures and did still think Tondy was a girl. But I said no he is not. His eyes is not bad. Tondy did really have that look about him of a girl or a sissy and that is not just us over here teasin him. Is a true fact.

I said to him Mike that Tondy does look like that Woody Alien when he was young but Mike said yes but still thouhgt Tondy was a girl. That was right and did help us when Big Dave came over. Big Dave talked with Tondy about what hapens if you get locked up over here and look like a litle woman but is in a jail cell with some men who is VERY lonely and it is not something you want to hapen so stay out of trouble. Big Dave said a mans hair cut would help Tondy be ready lee reconized as a male and not a female. Guess what. Tondy agreed and said he had been thinkin about that more and more hisself!

We were very happy as you might imagine. Now Tondy has a fresh home made hair cut which cost him nothing but about 15 minutes of seting still and lettin Marilyn use her sizzers on him. Then we took a picuture of him. You will like the new improved Tondy. He is a hit around here even with the dogs who stopped barking at him so much. Tondy is getting to be a good sport. For a Brit.

Tondy: That's a pretty good idea, Doc about drinking hot sauce or mustard to get that burn that you like, instead of drinking liquor. I never heard of that. But, you seem to be hitting pretty hard on Alcoholics Anonymous. I understand some of your issues, but a lot of people are being helped by AA. Are you implying that people should not go to AA?

Doc: NO, Tondy! I ain't saying that. But I AM saying it ain't for every body, and some people cain't really go to AA, so if AA is the only way, then how is every one going to get help?

Like a cop. If a cop pulls over someone for drinking, or if the judge assigns someone to go to AA and they go there. Then they see the cop saying, "Hi! I am Sgt. Bill and I am an alcoholic." Do you think the cop can do that when he pulled half those people over for DUI?

Big Dave: Yeh, Tondy. I had to go to A.A., court assigned, which means either I had to go to A.A. or go to jail. I didn't want to go to jail again,so I went to A.A. I wasn't going to quit drinking, I just figured I'd cut back a bit. And, if the cop who pulled me over had been there, and said HE was an alcoholic, too, me and him would have been going round and round out there in the parking lot afterwards. He'd look like Popeye the sailor man when I was done with him.

Doc: That's right, Tondy. A cop would get jumped out in the parking lot, or even if he got up to go use the toilet. Cops aint real popular with people who been pulled over for DUI, and if the cop is an alky, too. Anyway do you know where a cop goes? A cop goes to F.O.P. [in the Sates, the F.O.P. is the Fraternal Order of Police, where police officers go to drink and relax away from the general public. Americans joke about how funny it would be if a Sobriety Check Point would be set up outside an F.O.P lodge! - Tondeleo] The cop goes to the F.O.P. and drinks all evening to try to unwind or forget his problems and then drives home under the influence, knowing nothing will happen to him, unless he is in a wreck but then his fellow cops will cover for him. So, a cop ain't really going to go to AA. There is a lot of cops with drinking problems. I know three or four what drinks. They call it going to Choir Practice.

A judge aint going to go either, for the same reasons. And doctors and school teachers don't want to go, because people need to trust them with their children or with their lives if it is a surgeon and you don't want a drunk teacher teaching your kids or a drunk doctor operating on you. These folks ain't likely to be willing to go to AA and say, "Hi, I am an alcoholic," and I don't blame them.

Then there is folks what work at night when the meetings are. They can't find a meeting. Folks what cain't drive or don't have a car cain't go. People without enough money for gas cain't go. So they is a lot of people with drinking problems what cain't go to AA.

Big Dave: And a lot of women won't go, because of the men. And some of them who want to get help can't go because their old man won't let them - and the old man won't go, or maybe he doesn't have a drinking problem, and figures she started drinking by herself so she can cut back by herself. And there's always the 13 Steppers that make some women not want to go to meetings.

Doc: Tondy, you didn't know what 13 Stepping is, when Big Dave talked about 13 Steppin' that girl. There is 12 steps to recovery in AA, and 13 Steppin' is when you find someone of the opposite sex, unless you are funny, then it is the same sex, and you start pickin' up on them to help them get "cured" quicker.

It is pretty easy to be 13 Stepped in AA because your self esteem is in the toilet, and it really helps you to want to come back to the meeting if someone is flirting with you, or thinks you're a catch. But after a while, if you're just there to get sober, you get tired of all the screw ups trying to hit on you.

Ain't no decent woman with a drinkin' problem wants to keep havin' unemployed rednecks trying to pick up on 'em. Hey, I faced that, ["Yeh, Doc, unemployed rednecks kept hittin' on you!" Big Dave interrupts] I mean, women flirtin' with me an' wantin' to come home with me, and I am not a good lookin' man or a rich one. But I am nice to most everybody, I usually have a decent truck and I play music, so that counted for something. Some people quit goin' to meetin's because of the 13 Steppers what goes to AA.

That is all I meant. What can a person do if they cain't go to AA? First, find some good people to hang around with. Stay away from the bars and the people you used to drink with. I say, "If you ain't gonna straighten up with me, I ain't gonna go to hell with you." If they cain't handle that, then they have to go. You flush that toilet and move on.

Number two is where do you find good people? For me, it was finding a little church where the people was real and serious about helping people. It weren't no big and uppity church what don't believe nothing. It was a Bible believing Church, one where Marilyn was going because the lady down the road went there and took Marilyn to church with her. Sometimes I drove her there myself and sat out in the parking lot in my truck. One night, I was waitin' out in my truck and one of the men came out and invited me in and he sat with me. That meant a lot.

The preacher was a working man and he preached his heart out and he preached from one end of the Bible to the other. I mean he covered more ground than a Weight Watcher's picnic! At the end he gave an altar call and I went up front and got on my knees and asked the Lord into my heart.

Big Dave: I done that once, too, but not at a church. I was in jail in Orangeburg, [South Carolina] for driving on suspended, no insurance, runnin' a red light and CDS with intent. I told the cop it was for personal use, but, that doesn't count. Anyway, I asked the Lord for help and He helped me. But I am not much of a church goer.

Doc: I ain't a choirboy, neither, but it's good to have some good people pullin' for you. Here is how you can find a good church. Look in the parking lot. Watch the people. If they are looking too snooty or it is nothing but big fancy cars, you might not feel too welcome.

If it looks like regular ordinary working people you might want to go in. Then inside, if the people sing out real loud, not self conscious, and the music is good, not funeral music, it is probably a good one, because the Lord will be there. In a good church, the preacher will preach from the Bible and will apply it to every day life so you can understand it, and the people will say "Amen, or "That's Right" or things like that, because they have experienced what he is talking about. It lets you know that they are free to be themselves. At the end, in a good church there will be an altar call or a chance to ask the Lord into your life.

If it ain't got that, it probably aint gonna be strong enough to keep your interest or change your life very much. That's my opinion. When I am traveling, I try to find a Pentecostal church. Good music, good preaching and full of flavor. Pentecostal churches are like what boogie woogie is to music.

Going to a lively church will help you find forgiveness and strength to overcome alcohol or anything else you are battling.

Then there is thinking different than you did before. You can't think good things about getting drunk and be able to stay sober. You gotta see drinking as your enemy and being sober as your friend. I used to think I had wasted a Friday night if I didn't get drunk. Then, I changed my thoughts to thinking I had wasted a Friday night if I DID get drunk. Every Friday night I could stay sober was a victory and I hated losing.

You got to get rid of that "stinkin thinkin." That's an AA saying and it is true. So is this one; "you need to get a check up from the neck up."

I had to learn to stay sober because we are like 20 miles from the nearest AA meeting that I liked and I did not always have the gas to go there or had to play somewhere. Now, I try to not play in bars, and I never, ever take Marilyn to a bar. Never. Nothing good would come of it. She is a good girl and good looking, and in a bar that means that someone would put his hands on her and then old Doc would think he was a cop and it would be a replay of the old days which aint nobody wants.

Stay outta drinking places if you are going to stay sober! If we play a festival or a party or BBQ, then we bring some soda's and tell people we aint havin' nothing stronger than that and they is usually ok with that. Even the biker parties we have played at. They understand and respect that and is always respectful of Marilyn.

Big Dave: Yeh, she's a nice girl and don't need to be dangled in front of idiots. It's just asking for trouble. Doc's right about that, Tondy. Don't go into a bar with anything or anyone who could get you drinkin' too much or fightin' and don't carry much money, maybe a $20, and don't carry any real weapons. Doc is a champ on improvised ones, though.

Doc: Tondy, all you young guys are hyped up on fightin' and self defense, an' that's a good thing, but you gotta watch that you don't get a attitude and someone cuts you down to size.

See, you go into a bar an' some local tough guy starts starin' at you waiting for you to say something so he can fight you. A lot of times, he's armed and ready to prove he ain't no sissy or something. Maybe he had a bad upbringin' or a fight with his old lady. He might of just gotten laid off his job. Now he wants to take it out on someone. You.

I got hurt pretty bad when I was your age. I was in North Carolina, down Goldsboro, and this big guy was just starin' at me. I seen him and looked at him and looked away an' then he got up an' moved closer without even movin' his eyes - just a icy stare.

I looked at him an' he said, "Whachew lookin' at?" Bein' young and thinkin' I was tough, I says, "That's what I'M tryin' to figure out." He got up, I threw my drink in his face and jumped outta my seat and BLAM, right into a pole! I hadn't noticed it. He grabbed me an' whupped me good an' threw me out on the street. He broke my nose, which still has a bump in it, an' cracked two ribs.

That wouldn't happen nowadays. If he was starin at me an movin' closer, I would make like I didn't see, and finish my drink an leave if I could. If not, I wouldn't get smart with him - I'd say somethin' like, "I think I done time with you once - maybe, maybe not." I've said that before and it quieted the guy down.

If not, then I would be ready as I could before something happened. We already talked about a lot of ways you can stay ready to protect yourself and whoever is with you.

I always have my wallet with the chain on it. That's a weapon. I can strike a man's face with the chain and I can choke him with it. I ain't big, but I'm fast. If he's got a knife, I can hit it or his hand with the end of my chain and knock the knife outta his hand, so I can knock him down and then GET OUT OF THERE. Do you notice a theme, Tondy? Stay outta fights, if you have to fight, do some damage and get out of there.

A wrench is a good weapon I have on me sometimes. I mostly wear carpenters jeans. I might have a 13/16" wrench in my right leg pocket on the back of my thigh. I work on cars, so it's something I have a reason to carry. That's a good weapon for defense. You can block a hit or a punch or a knife jab. It aint a weapon that'll get you in trouble with the law, if you have a record. It's a TOOL... you can use it to adjust a man's attitude.

I carry a cane with me, a cheap wooden one, usually a pig stick, if I have to go in a rough lookin' place I aint been in before. A cane don't attract no attention, and it don't announce, "Hey I'm lookin' for a fight." I AINT. But, I can use it to take care of me til I get out and to my truck. A cane is legal, and you can carry it anywhere. You can use it to prop yourself up, too. A cane is good defense at a motel or at home, too. Get a wooden, not aluminum cane - don't use aluminum canes, they'll break an' the doctor 'll charge a lot of money to remove it from your rear end. Use a wooden cane or a pig stick from Tractor Supply. I like a pig stick best.

If you're in your car, a good weapon to defend you an' your girl is a roadside flare. Keep a couple where you can REACH them! They ain't gonna do you no good if they's in the trunk! You gotta have one under the seat. Take it out, light it an' you are a dangerous man to mess with - for 15 minutes! You can use it to threaten, to temporarily blind him, to jab, to do whatever you need to do, up close.

How 'bout a good ol' folding camp shovel, from the surplus store? Good defense, an' it's just good to have in the cab of your truck or in your car. Good protection. And, the cops ain't gonna arrest you for it. You can't be carryin' all them fancy swords you get at the Amish market or them other weapons. Cops'll say that proves intent - that you tended to fight someone - an' you just might go to jail an' his lawyer might just blame the whole thing on you an' make you pay his medical bills.

Flashlight's good, in the car. Shine it in his eyes, if it's at night an' then bust him upside the head, or jab his gut or his privates, an' then hit him in the head again. And a couple more times in the privates for good measure, an' on the SIDE of his knee as hard as you can to knock him down, where you can do some stompin' and protectin' yourself. Then get outta there.

But you cain't be out there actin' like a hard guy, Tondy. You ain't. I ain't. People play for keeps nowadays, they's worser than animals. You gotta keep your mouth to yourself, hold your temper, humble yourself, an try to keep the peace. The Lord said that. Be humble an' keep the peace, he said something like that.

Tondeleo: Doc, every time I tell people, especially when I am home in England about your self defense techniques and improvised weapons, they beg for more info. We really don't fight a lot like you Yanks. We hit, we spit and we probably do more kicking, but for you Yanks, it seems to come naturally, or at least it is in your blood. You blokes just seem to like fighting...

Doc: Well, Tondy, some people might like fightin. I don't. I'm pretty fair at it but I don't like it. Not no more... All that fightin' is more on TV than it is in real life.

Tondeleo: But Doc, your eyes seem to light up when you talk about defending some weak person against a strong one, like that guitar player in Memphis where you pulled the two guys off of him and he gave you that seven string Ibanez guitar as a thank you. I KNOW you like telling that story...

Doc: That's where you're mixed up. I like that Inez guitar, but I ain't LIKE fightin, and then again, I don't like seein' some big guys pickin' on a little one. That boy down there in Memphis looked like a devil worshiper and I could tell he was on drugs but that aint no reason to beat him half to death. So I evened up the score with my belt buckle and my foot.

But I DON'T like fightin. The smartest thing to do is win the fight with yourself and try to avoid a fight and get out of there safe, if you can. Only a fool starts a fight with a innocent man. And he DON'T know what that innocent man may be carrying. But, for you Tondy, here is how to do the belt thing to defend yourself.

You want to wear a belt. Always. And a good sized one, leather. Not like that piece of whatever it is you wear around your waist. You ain't even WEARIN' a belt right now! It ain't about holdin' up your pants, it's about takin' care of yourself and your girl. Wear a thick leather belt. I got mine up at Dollar General for 5 bucks and it's a good one. Family Dollar's got 'em too.

You gotta wear the right shoes, too. Not those ones that you wear, those little fairy slip- ons what make you look like you got girl feet - better be careful, Tondy, some men likes women's feet and you're gonna find yourself in a fix - no, you gotta wear a boot or steel toed shoe what is heavy and with thick soles. MAN shoes.

Tondeleo: Show me how to hold the belt again - I can't seem to get it right - and let me take pictures this time.

Doc: You can't get it right! I can just see you down at Scott's or the Blue Dog an' someone come after you and you got to take off your belt and look at the pictures while your baggy pants falls down around your feet! Ok, here it is - aint nothin to it.

Take off your belt and hold the end without the buckle across your right palm, with about 6 or 7 inches hangin off the back of your hand like this.

Then, wrap it around your wrist, crossing back over the hangin over part on the back of your hand and bring it back across your palm again. Yeh, go ahead and take a picture of it .

Now what you got is that belt wrapped around your hand in a way that it won't fall out and a man can't yank it outta your hand and beat you with it while your pants fall down. The buckle adds weight to the end of it so when you bring it cross the side of his head he'll feel it the first time. You swing with all your might.

Yeh, and you don't swing like you're choppin wood. You swing BACKHANDED from your left side, crossing yourself and bring it upside the RIGHT side of his head. That keeps from tearing your rotor cuffs, an you get more swing behind it. OK, go head and take a picture.

Now the other thing, Tondy, is you don't hit him one time an then stop to inspect the damage! No! He'll get up off'n the floor and give you a whoopin or cut you. You hit him once, and then hit him hard as you can again, and then get your hindparts outta there. That's the only reason I'm tellin' you this.

You ought to just stay outta places where somebody's gonna want to fight you just cause they don't like your looks or because they figures they can take you. Stay outta fights, Tondy. People ain't like they was. They might shoot you cause they think you was sittin at their favorite place at a bar that they don't even own. I mostly stay home nowdays.

“Here’s another one. I carry a cane. Actually, Tondy, I use a pig stick. Get ‘em at a farm supply store. They got a Tractor Supply store up in Waldorf now, an’ there’s La Plata Farm Supply in La Plata. A pig stick’ll run you 8 maybe nine bucks. Looks like a cane, but it’s stronger, for movin’ pigs around what don’t want to be moved.

“I carry a fold up army surplus little shovel in my truck. That’s a handy thing to have. It’s a good shield, it’s a good weapon and I won’t get locked up for it. Some of them got teeth on one side like a saw. A camping shovel is a good self defense weapon. Cheap, small, and you won’t go to jail for it. But you can use it like a billy club, you can open it part way and use it like a pickaxe, or for defense. Get one of them for your car, too, Tondy.

“You can use a flare like cops use at accidents; light it and jab the bad guy with it, if you’re broke down on the side of the road and he attacks you. Have some flares with you.

Tondeleo: Doc, tell me some more about self defense. The idea of taking care of myself is important, because the world is getting worse, and I am small, like 8 stone (115 pounds, US).

Doc: You know I ain't recommendin' nobody gettin' into a fight. But, if someone is set on fightin' you, you got to remember you ain’t helpless. I wouldn't recommend you carry a knife into a bar. I recommend that you stay outta bars. Always someone in a bar who got somethin' to prove. More 'n that, if you gotta a record and get into a scuffle, you will go to jail for that.

My pockets usually got something I could use, like I said earlier. Sometimes I would have one of my dog's collars with me. Just rolled up and stuck in a coat pocket. You can roll that around our wrist if you like to protect your hands.

You could carry a biker’s wallet or a trucker’s wallet with a dog’s choker chain on it. You can use it as a choker. You can unloose it off the wallet, wrap it around your wrist and swing it in his face and THEN choke him enough he passes out.

Then you got to hightail it out of there before he comes to, or before the cops come. Don’t stand around like you’re a hero or a hard guy. I can tell you in one word what you gotta do as soon as he is knocked out, or on the ground: GET OUT!

But that ain’t you. That chain wallet ain’t you. It don’t suit your style, Tondy. You look more like a office boy.

So you’re eating out in a sit down restaurant, or a bar. What do you have there? Salt shakers, pepper sauce, maybe a glass candle you can jam in his face, silverware. All that’s just at your table.

You got wooden stools or wooden chairs. Use them like a lion tamer to protect yourself and your girlfriend. Grab it, by the seat and the back, and jab him with the legs, then throw it at him and get the heck out of there.

What else you got in a restaurant or bar? You got the bar, or the counter, and the back wall of the booth. Grab him and jam his face down on it, while kneeing him in the butt, and stomping on the back of his leg, at the back of his knee. Bring him to the ground and then disable him.

How about a bench, if you’re out front. Drag him over there and jam his head onto it. Bust his face into a tree trunk if you’re outside.

Grab a free real estate magazine or Auto Trader on your way in. They have them right at the entryway at a lot of places. Free weapons. Roll it tight as you can. Really tight. Now, it is a good jabber!

Grab it so maybe two inches sticks out the side of your hand where your pinky is. Stick it in his eye. Jam it up the bottom of his nose, or up under his chin. Hit his [solar plexus], jam it into the bottom of his groin, up under his privates. Jam it into his ears. Jam it into the side of his neck, about 3 inches under his ears. ALWAYS hit as hard as you can. You have to remove the threat. He ain’t patty cakin’ you, he wants to hurt you or kill you. You need to stay alive, long enough to get you and your girl out of there. That’s all for right now.

Tondeleo: “Doc, I’m a small guy, and quite often my work takes me into places where it’s dangerous and I need to take care of myself. Even when I’m not working, sometimes when I’m in a bar or a club, I get nervous if a fight starts or if someone is going to pick on me.

I know from some of your stories that you don’t seem to be afraid of anybody and I remember the stories about you getting arrested for fighting in North Carolina, or Memphis and some other places... Tennessee or somewhere...”

Doc: “Yeah, a coupla places for fightin'. That one time in in Tennessee, it weren’t my fault. I weren;t fightin. I was protectin a guy what was bein' picked on. The other fella was mouthing off an’ then he slapped that little fella an’ I told him to back off an’ he came after me. So I hurt him an’ then the cops came an’ locked me up cause I wasn’t local. That’s all.

But a man needs to learn how to stay away from fights. That comes with some age and maybe with getting a record or bein' on parole or probation. Different things for different folks.

Tondeleo: You’ve mentioned how you can use almost anything for a weapon and that you don’t ever carry weapons, you make them on the spot...

Doc: Yeah, right, but it’s more to it than that. First off, if you been locked up before, an’ the cops come, you’re gonna get locked up if you’re carryin’ a weapon. Ain’t no arguing that. You’re goin’ to jail even if you ain’t did nothing.

They’ll detain you if they think you look suspicious an’ then they search you an’ find an ice pick or piece of chain or a knife on you. You’re finished. Guilty as charged, take me away. You gotta be careful ‘cause they will say you was out lookin’ for trouble, when all you wanted was a night out.

First off, Tondy, you want to stay OUT of fights. You don’t know who that other dude is. He might be carryin' a razor, or a gun. He might tazer you. He maybe just got out of jail and want to kill someone. Do what you can to get out of the situation. I’d better be embarrassed and be alive than be a big man and be crippled up or dead. Get up and leave.

Tondeleo: “But what if he blocks your way, or molests your date, or shoves you first?”

Doc: Well, you have to come up with your own weapons that ain’t really weapons. My wallet with a chain on it is a good example of a weapon what ain't no weapon. I might carry a thick sock in my coat pocket an’ a pool ball or somethin’ like that in my other pocket. If a fight is breakin’ out, I can put that pool ball in the toe of that sock an’ hit someone upside the head with it. Bam. He’s down, an’ I just had that sock cause I lost the other one at the laundromat!

You can use a drawstring marble bag, with a bunch of change in it for the same thing. Or put it in the toe of that sock for gettin’ leverage. You can protect yourself with a dollar’s worth of change in a marble bag, and a sock.

A roll of quarters is a good weapon in your pocket. Wrap your hand around it when you punch. I would say to punch with the BACK of your left hand, up against the left side of the head of the guy what’s causing problems, and follow up with a right up under his jaw while you move forward and knee him in the groin.

One of them bicycle locks with a cable or chain on it is a cheap weapon you can’t get in trouble for having. But you sling it into someone’s head, they’ll know it. You can get one of them for less than five bucks and it’s legal anywhere.

If I’m in a place an’ I feel something’s going down, I get me a cup of hot coffee. I can throw it in someone’s face an’ then jam the rim of the cup into his face. You don’t slap someone with a glass or mug. It’ll break an’ cut your hand. No, you grab the bottom of it and jam it into his face. Leaves a red ring on his face and breaks his nose, so you can get out of there. Always, try to not get in a fight and just do enough to get out of there and get lost. You can use a beer mug or heavy glass the same way.

Don’t never think you can break a beer bottle and hit him with it. It will break off in your hand and cut you. That only works on TV. Not in a real fight.

Tondy, you can use the salt and pepper shakers. Screw off the lid and throw the salt or pepper in his eyes, and then use the shaker in your hand so you can punch him and not hurt your knuckles. You can use it wrapped in your fist to hit him on top of the head, too.

Hot sauce works the same way. Swing the bottle with the lid off, into his eyes and then close your fist around it, and you can jab, hit his nose with the bottom of it, jam the little tip of it into his belly right here [solar plexus] or into his privates.

If you’re holding a can of beer or soda, you can take one last drink of it, while he’s running his mouth, an’ as you bring it down from your mouth, crush it, and then swing hard into his face. It will cut him a happy face. But you got to follow through.

Tondeleo: “Ouch! That would hurt!”

Doc: Well, of COURSE it’ll hurt, Tondy! It ain’t patty cake. A man’s tryin’ to hurt you. He is a snake and there ain't no shortage of snakes. If he will fight you, he will kill you. You have to make him so he cain’t hurt anyone.

You can tear up a man with a belt, if you wrap the end with the holes in it around your wrist and then cross it across you hand, and back around your wrist. You can put that on camera, Tondy. Makes the belt short so it can’t hit you in your own head, an’ with it wrapped, you won’t drop it an’ aint no one gonna take it away from you and beat you with it. You can knock a man down with the belt buckle, if you hit him upside the head. I wear a thick belt I got at Dollar General and it has a good sized buckle. That’s why I got it.

Always try to knock him down. Get him on the floor. Then you can stomp his, what’s that called... his groin, yeah, that’s it, an’ he won’t get up. You can grab his wrist and yank it up an’ stomp your foot into his armpit. It’ll jerk it out of the socket an’ he’ll walk around with his arm all limp and he won’t be hittin’ anyone for a while.

Don’t forget you can kick him in the privates as hard as you can. And you still gotta keep whaling on him. You don’t just hit a man and then stop to see what you done. It aint kinny garten stuff. No.

You hit and keep hitting. You kick, you stomp. Bite a man if you have to. Here’s how you bite a man. You don’t take a bunch of meat and muscle into your teeth. You just take skin. He might have his arm around your neck like he’s chokin’ you. You lower your head just enough to sink your teeth into the skin on his fore arm, and you bite and pull it off. It’ll look like a wet potato chip. That’s what hurts, not biting into the muscle. Your jaws ain’t strong enough. But you can pull off a patch of skin. Or off his neck. That works, too.

What they gonna do: outlaw teeth?

Tondeleo: Doc, you have seen a lot in your time. You’ve lived a rough life, done some jail time, been in a fair share of fights. I bet it gives you some real insights as to self defense, gun ownership and all that.

Doc: Ain’t no insights. Just what nature an' the good Lord teaches you. God never sent no animal into the wild without a means of defending itself. A turtle ain’t fast, but he has a shell. A rabbit got strong back legs to outrun dogs, cats an' foxes an' what not. A cat can run fast an’ has claws an’ teeth. A dog is strong, has teeth and can run. All of ‘em can defend themselves against what’s trying to hurt them.

Then comes man who thinks that no one should be able to defend himself against predators. I learnt that word from Marilyn, my brother who died’s girl. Means someone who is out to get someone else who is weaker. Predators ain’t on the “goin’ extinct” list, last I looked. But they ought to be.

On TV, they say if someone wants to rob you, just give ‘em what they’s askin’ for. If they’s robbin’ me, they’s asking for my knee in their private parts and I’m gonna cut ‘em pretty bad, too. That’s for tryin’ to scare me outta my stuff what I worked hard for.

I wouldn’t kill a man for just tryin’ to take my stuff, but I would hurt him real bad. Some only learn that way. I hurt a few men in my day. One of ‘em in a shelter tried to rob me whilst I was SLEEPIN’! I faked stayin’ asleep an’ when he bent over my bed to go through my pockets, I grabbed him by his collar and pulled his head into my forehead an’ broke his nose for starters. Then I grabbed his privates real hard an’ gave a squeeze, to pull myself outta the bed. I took his head an’ smashed his face over an’ over into the door of my locker and then stuck a ice pick into his leg about four times. I said “Do not steal from a sleeping man AGAIN!” I got throwed outta that shelter and was questioned by the cops an’ released on my own cognizance. Dude had a knife on him an' had a long record for arm robbery an' stealin'. Cops tol' me to leave town an' not come back, an' I ain't really gone back there much since then.

There is the problem with crime. I didn’t steal from him, but he tried to steal from me, an’ I got throwed out. But I took him to school first. I taught him a ‘portant life lesson.

“Now, I’m not livin’ on the streets no more. I got me a little place to stay and to put my things. I got a little patch of ground with turnips, ‘tater’s, ‘maters, beans an’ some white corn. I got a shotgun with a pistol grip an’ I am ready to use it to deal with whatever needs dealin' with. Where we are takes about a half hour for the cops to get there, and that is IF you got a phone. Cell phone ain't got no signal out here, so you is on your own, Tondy.

Mos' people out here is poor, and they know it is up to them to protect they owm property and loved ones. Mos' us got dogs. I got three. Hank Williams, Dale Junior and Stubby. A rockwhiler, and two American Bulldogs.

I tell you, out here, if some piece of trash wants to rob a poor man, he is lower than dirt and he will wind up believing in Jesus about a second after someone pulls the trigger. I taught Marilyn how to use a shotgun to take out the trash, too! Know what I mean? She ain’t scared one bit to shoot a man if she is alone and if he needs shootin’.

“See, the sheriff can’t protect you or your property. They ain't but so many sheriff’s and cops in a whole county. That’s YOUR job to protect your stuff. Then, when they get there, you tell ‘em what happened. You got a right to protect your house and ones that you love. When someone comes to rob you, they know they is taken a risk. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. That’s it. But I don’t go lookin’ for trouble. ONly a fool goes lookin' for trouble.